Prologue: You start out with a completely random team. And I mean *completely*. In fact, the odds are astronomically low that you'll get somebody who's normally playable, or even somebody who's actually in the main game. This time through, I had a team of Thomas Edison, King Kong, a toaster oven, and Zeromus. Usually, at least one of your team members is super-powerful, but it doesn't matter much, since you'll only be fighting W-Imps and Rich Knights Clones. In fact, you'll immediately get into a battle with some, and then get a scene of completely random dialogue. I don't really get what the point of it is, either. Anyways, you automatically enter... some dungeon. What? You try to figure out the name of a place when the introductory dialogue is a bunch of old movie quotes followed by the washing instructions for a leather jacket. In the first room, you're presented with a button and a box, and a closed door. If you push the box on the button and go through the door, you get a Game Over. Instead, step on the button and stand still for a while. The box will sprout feet, walk through the door, and trigger the deathtrap on the other side, and the resulting explosion will completely destroy the door, so you can step off the button safely. Now you can go through. (Yes, absolutely any team will be heavy enough to hold down the button, even if it's a feather pen, an oxygen atom, a spider, and a carrot stick.) This next room is filled with enemies, but like I said, they're just W-Imps and Rich Knights Clones. Make your way to the next door without touching *anything* in the room (well, wandering enemies are fine) and you can just go through. If you try to fiddle around with anything at all, you'll trigger the next deathtrap. Who the heck puts all these deathtraps in here? And, it's another room. The game gives you a tutorial about save points now, and points to a weird spinning geometric figure. However - yes, it's another deathtrap. The real save point is the towel on the back wall. Which isn't the save point in the normal game. I swear, whoever designed this section was completely drunk. And, in the next room, you come face to face with the villain... George W. Bush? Yeah, real subtle political commentary there, guys. After some more random dialogue (where Bush actually makes the most sense, frighteningly enough), you get into a battle. - Boss Battle - Ted Kennedy: 23705 HP Uh... what? Weren't we just talking to... oh, never mind, you can't win this anyways. George/Ted/Whoever immediately uses Mindbendingly Complex Plot Twist, which does e^239572 damage to your entire party. And then you lose. After some more random dialogue, the scene fades out, and the hero, Pro Tagonist wakes up and decides it was a bad idea to watch political news so late at night. Thus ends this absurd prologue. Chapter 1: After waking up, Pro decides to get breakfast. Go downstairs and open the cupboard door, and a box of cereal jumps out and attacks. - Boss Battle - Box of Cereal: 150 HP Yeah, the boss music plays here for some reason. It's not exactly tough. Pro already does 50 damage, and the box does only 5 to him, so just attack. When you beat it, you get enough Exp to reach Level 2 and win a Bowl of Cereal. No, I don't know where the bowl, spoon, or milk came from. Nor why the description says it's Corn Pops when you were fighting a box of Cheerios. The Bowl of Cereal completely restores the team's HP and MP, revives, and restores status ailments... but you have to use it from the menu now to continue with the game. Now Pro decides to bring in the paper. Go outside and the paperboy attacks you. - Boss Battle - Paperboy: 420 HP Well, you're stronger now, and do about 70 damage. Although the Paperboy does about 10 by throwing papers at you. (Why doesn't Pro just grab one of them and run away? Not that this fight makes any sense to begin with.) Anyways, beat him up and you'll get enough experience for Level 3, win the Morning Paper, and the Paperboy runs off, swearing revenge. Pro will automatically walk back into the house. Now use the Morning Paper from your inventory. This causes Pro to learn a new tech, Papercut, and triggers a scene where he reads the paper. Pro: "Anne Tagonist, pictured at left, has declared her brother Pro, right, to be her worst enemy and is offering a large reward to anyone or anything who destroys him..." Mom! Anne put out a bounty on me again! *Pro's mother walks in, dragging Anne by the ear =P* Mrs. Tagonist: Anne, what have I told you about that? Honestly, if this happens again, I'm going to have to cut your allowance. *pauses and looks at the smashed cereal box* And what happened to the cereal box? Pro: It attacked me. So did the paperboy. I think they may have been after Anne's reward. Anne: Curses! That living cereal box was going to be my masterpiece! Now I'll have to gather up the pieces and re-animate it! Curse you, Pro! Curse you! Mrs. Tagonist: That's enough, young lady! What have I told you about dabbling with the very forces of life and cursing your brother? Anne: You'll see! One day, I'll be free of you! And then I shall finally destroy that meddlesome Pro! Mrs. Tagonist: Well! You can just go to your room, young lady! *Anne storms off upstairs* Pro, could you be a dear and get the Gem of Absurd Power from the Cave of Pathetically Weak Enemies near here? Pro: Uh... What for? Mrs. Tagonist: Well, I've been meaning to get Anne some professional help, but that's the only payment the local psychiatrist will accept. Pro: Oh, I see. Uh, sure. Well, that seems to be it. So, head out of town for the Cave of Pathetically Weak Enemies. Be careful along the way. Mostly you'll fight Ancient Evil Demon Kings, which are pretty easy, but sometimes you'll run into Small Slimes, which do 3275 damage a hit and usually hit six times. It's not very far, though. - Cave of Pathetically Weak Enemies - Enter the cave. You'll get a small scene just beforehand, where Pro wonders just why Anne is out to get him, then walks in... and a shadowy figure follows behind... The cave is pretty straightforward. There aren't a lot of tricks. There's one puzzle here; three blocks and five switches. Push the three blocks onto the three leftmost switches, then push the rightmost switch onto the switch just to its left. That opens the door, so go through. The bomb in the next room is a save point. Yeah, I don't know why either. Shortly afterwards, you'll come to the Altar of the Gem of Absurd Power... and the shadowy figure from before will run in. He reveals himself as the paperboy, saying he's here to take his revenge. However, as he does this, a giant monster jumps down, saying that you'll both die for desecrating the altar with your presence. - Boss Battle - Snorkflarg the Invincible: 11743 HP The Paperboy joins you here, introducing himself as Al the Paperboy. He says that much as he wants his revenge, he wants to get out alive more. You don't get to control Al yet, however. For three turns, he'll attack automatically, but he and you will do 0 damage. After that, Pro gets frustrated and asks if there's anything in the paper about the monster. Now you can control Al and have to select his "Read Article" ability, which reveals that Snorkflarg is strong against everything except potato shavings. Al then realizes that he has some potato shavings on him, and gives them to you. Use the Potato Shavings on Pro's turn to do 9999 damage and make Snorkflarg vulnerable to normal attacks. Both Pro and Al should be doing about 120 damage by now, but Snorkflarg does a fairly high 54 to one character with his regular attack, and his Glarbanorfer spell hits both for 30, so stay healed. When Snorkflarg is down to 700 HP, he'll start using Warvalasker to raise his attack and defense; now you'll probably be doing only 80 damage and taking almost as much from his physicals. Still, you've almost won. Finish him off to get a good amount of Exp and Gold, plus a Glorple item, whatever the heck that is. After you beat Snorkflarg, Al decides that after seeing how you fight, he'd rather be on your side and joins up. Take the Gem of Absurd Power and you'll automatically leave and head back to town. - Town - When you arrive back in town, Pro suddenly realizes that in all the years he lived there, he never knew the name. =P Al looks at one of his papers, but it doesn't mention the name, either. They ask an old man standing nearby, who realizes that he doesn't know the name of the town either. This continues for a while, and it turns out that nobody in town knows what it's called. Somebody suggests just giving the town a name, but the mayor insists that they need to find out what the actual name of the town is. And, seeing as how Pro is a hero and everything, he gets assigned to find out. =P Pro's mother wishes him luck, then asks for the Gem of Absurd Power so she can pay for Anne's therapy. She walks off with it and heads to the psychiatrist's office. Everybody then goes back to what they were doing. =P Pro isn't sure how to go about finding the name of the town, but Al pulls a paper out of his bag. The headline reads, "Local Hero Seeks Town's Name". Subtitle: "Clues may be found at the Lost Temple of Town Names". Pro asks just how that got printed up so quickly, but Al just shrugs and says that's how his bag of papers has always worked. =P The article says that the Lost Temple of Town Names is close by, but sealed by seven-and-a-half legendary artifacts. For details on artifacts, see page A7. Unfortunately, Page A7 is missing for no clear reason. However, on the next page over, it says that Page A7 can be found in the Tower of Page A7 near the next town. With no other leads, Pro decides to ask the mayor how to get to the next town. The mayor says that there's a bridge there, but town law states that he can only allow people across if they beat him at Rock-Paper-Scissors. He asks if you're ready to challenge him. Save before you accept... - Boss Battle - Rock: 780 HP Paper: 1235 HP Scissors: 1100 HP Um, apparently the rules for Rock-Paper-Scissors are a bit different in this world. The rock has high defense, but Al's papers do normal damage to it. The paper is pretty strong, but takes extra damage from Pro's Papercut. The scissors are the biggest problem; if they attack Al, he'll lose attack power for a while, and you don't have anything that works very well against them. Still, this fight isn't too tough. After you beat the Rock, Paper, and Scissors, the mayor agrees to let you cross the bridge. Leave town and head for it. As you exit town, a scene unfolds at the psychiatrist's office... Psychiatrist: Hello, Mrs. Tagonist. This is Anne, I presume? Anne: I don't need this! I just need to destroy Pro! AHAHAHAHAHA! Mrs. Tagonist: Yes. And here's the Gem of Absurd Power, and I am not the least bit suspicious about why you asked for it as payment. Psychiatrist: Of course not. Now, I'll just need some time alone with Anne, for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with using her for my own nefarious schemes. Mrs. Tagonist: Of course. I'll be in the waiting room. *leaves* Psychiatrist: Finally. Now, I understand you have an intense dislike of your brother, Pro? Anne: DESTROY PRO! DESTROY! DESTROY! Psychiatrist: In due time. First, let's discuss other outlets for this rage of yours. For instance, destroying cities that oppose the evil empire I work for. Anne: Ooh! Hey, can your evil empire help me make this evil cereal box more powerful? I wanted it to destroy Pro, but it was too weak! Psychiatrist: Oh, yes. In fact, why don't we step through this portal to the Evil Throne Room so you can discuss it with the Evil Emperor himself. *they step through* *outside, in the waiting room...* Mrs. Tagonist: I wonder just how long this is going to take. - Bridge to Next Town - Now that the scene's over, head to the bridge. As you cross, an invading army arrives on the other side. Commander: What the? Hey! Get those two! We can't let them warn the town on the other side that the Evil Empire's troops are coming! Pro: Hey, before you do that, do you guys know what the name of the town is? We're trying to find out. Commander: ...actually, no. But never mind that! Get them! Now you have to fight your way across the bridge. The enemies are Cell Phone Soldiers, Broccoli Soldiers, and Inner Tube Soldiers. The Cell Phone Soldiers are pretty easy, since they usually waste turns talking on their phones. The Broccoli Soldiers attack you with giant sticks of broccoli, and the Inner Tube Soldiers roll their tubes at you. Sometimes they do a special attack with their tubes that hits both of your characters. None of them are very tough, but the damage can add up. At the end of the bridge, the commander, upset that you beat his troops, calls out another batch and gets in a giant robot iguana, then attacks. - Boss Battle - Iguanabot: 2300 HP Cell Phone Elite: 560 HP Broccoli Elite: 834 HP Inner Tube Elie: 620 HP The soldiers are stronger versions of the regular enemies you fought along the way. While the Cell Phone Elite isn't any tougher than the regular versions, sometimes his cell phone will interfere with the Iguanabot's circuitry, so keep him alive. The third one seems to be a girl named Elie who fights with an inner tube - no, I don't know what she's doing there. However, she can hit both your characters, so go after her first, and then the Broccoli Elite. After that, turn your attention to the Iguanabot. After you knock off half its HP, if the Cell Phone Elite is still there, the commander gets frustrated and tells the soldier to get off the cell phone, then attacks him when he doesn't. =P The Iguanabot mostly has a strong physical attack, doing over 100 damage, but it can also fire eye lasers to do 40 damage to both of you. Still, this isn't a tough battle once you've gotten the soldiers out of the way. You get an Iguana Eye when you win, not that it does anything yet... Commander: Dammit! The Iguanabot failed? Eject! Eject! You haven't heard the last of Commander Moron! *an ejection seat pops out of the iguana robot, and lands in the water, then the iguana robot explodes* Al: Wow. The bridge is still standing after that explosion? Must be made from some sturdy materials. Pro: Let's get going to the next town. I wonder what it's called, anyways? I hope somebody *there* actually knows. Moron's Voice: Hey! One of you Inner Tube soldiers! *blub* Give me some help here! *glub* Inner Tube Elie: Coming, sir! Al: These soldiers are weird. Pro: Yeah. Let's get going, before they send somebody after us with a giant squid or something for a weapon. The next town isn't very far from the bridge. Go inside. - Arbitraria - When you enter the town... Random Guy: Welcome to Arbitraria! Pro: Man! This town is spoiled! They have somebody to remind them of the name! We never had that! No wonder nobody can remember it. Al: You'd think it'd at least be mentioned in the paper. Random Guy: Welcome to Arbitraria! Al: You don't have to rub it in, you jerk! Random Guy: ...Welcome to Arbitraria? Al: Look, we have to go on a big quest just to find out the name of our town, and here you are, flaunting yours around! Not everybody knows the name of their town, you know! Random Guy: They don't? I never realized that. Uh - I mean - Welcome to Arbitraria! Pro: Hey! You just said something else! Random Guy: Er... Uh... Look, don't tell anybody, okay? I could lose my job if they find out I said something else on-duty! Welcome to Arbitraria! Old Man: Samuel! What's going on here? You are breaking the code of a Greeter! Random Guy: W-Welcome to Arbitraria? Old Man: That will not do, Samuel. You have already failed in your duty. Do you have an explanation? Samuel: Well, uh, they said they don't know the name of their town, and that just seemed weird, and... oh, please, Master! I swear, it won't happen again! Welcome to Arbitraria! Uh, Arbitraria! Master: ...Wait. You two don't know the name of your town? Do you not have a Greeter to welcome travellers? Pro: A what? I don't think so. We asked everybody in town, and they didn't know either. Master: ...This is a serious problem. How could the Greeter's Guild have overlooked a town? You are forgiven, Samuel. Even I would have been flustered to hear such a thing. Samuel: ...thank you, Master. Should I get back to work? Master: ...No. Put up the sign. I want you to come with me while we discuss the matter with these lads. *a sign goes up saying "Welcome to Arbitraria"; everyone walks to a big building on the edge of town* Master: This is the Greeter's Guild. Greeters from all over the world come here to learn the trade. Pro: Uh... What's a Greeter? Samuel: It's someone like me. We walk around near the entrance to town, and whenever somebody comes near, we welcome them to the town. Al: ...Uh, I don't want to sound like a jerk here, but, well, that sounds like a pretty easy job. Master: You might think that. But, in fact, your problem illustrates just why the training is so important. You see, a Greeter *knows* the name of a town. Always. *Pro and Al look confused* Samuel: Master, I don't think they're familiar enough with our work to understand. Master: Ah, of course. You see, the Greeter must commune with the "soul" of a town, as it were. When this happens, the Greeter knows the town's name, even if it should be changed. Pro: I still don't get it. Master: Then perhaps a demonstration. Samuel! Show them the Greeter's power. Samuel: ...Master, are you sure? It is a sacred art... And it would put them at great risk... Master: I will allow it. Show them. Al: Show us what? I really don't understand this at all. Is he going to say "Welcome to Arbitraria" again? Samuel: Well... Not exactly. - Boss Battle - Greeter Samuel: 550 HP Yes, you're fighting him. On the first turn, he'll use "Soul of Arbitraria", which does a *lot* of damage to both of you. Luckily, he doesn't have much HP, so you should be able to beat him before he can use it again, and he'll just spend the next few turns using weak physical attacks. When you beat him, the scene continues. Master: That is the Greeter's power. Once he makes contact with the soul of a town, he can call upon its power for aid. And that allows him to find the town's name, wherever he is. Al: And, uh, you use this power to tell people the name of the town they're in? Instead of, say, fighting bad guys? Samuel: What! Using the sacred power for combat purposes? That would be... that would be... Wait, why exactly can't we do that, Master? Master: ...That's a very good question. Let me look at the Great Book of Greetings... Ah, here we go. "Because we're a bunch of wusses and we'd get beaten up badly in a real fight." Pro: ...That's it? Master: Yeah... actually, it seems to be more of a recommendation than a hard-and-fast rule. Hey, Samuel, why don't you test it out and go with these boys on their journey? Samuel: Me, sir? But, uh... why? Master: Because you're less of a wuss than I am. Samuel: ...Well, this *does* seem to be a problem that calls for a Greeter's help... So I guess... Master: Wonderful! And perhaps you can make contact with the souls of other towns while you're at it. After all, no Greeter since Norton Phillip Carter has ever set foot outside of his own town, save to train here... It would be an interesting experience. Besides, you don't look generic enough to welcome people to town properly. Samuel: Okay... I guess we'll be heading off now, Master. Master: Good. And I'll take over your position. Good luck on your journey! You now have Samuel the Greeter on your team. He fights with a compass, which isn't very strong. However, his "Soul of Arbitraria" move is pretty good, though it costs a lot of MP at this point. Your next destination is the Tower of Page A7, but there are some things to do in town first. For starters, there's a blacksmith, and he'll let you upgrade your weapons to Level 2. It's not very expensive, and the attack boost is worth it, although Samuel's compass still isn't very strong. Second, there's a newsstand. Here, you can buy newspapers, which let you get skills for all your characters - apparently, they have very informative articles. (Remember using the one near the start of the game?) In addition, after you buy at least one paper from a given newsstand, Al gets a new ability of his own. In this case, it's The Bugle, which raises attack for one party member. Pretty useful. As for the newspapers, the most useful ones are the ones that teach Heal (only Samuel can use this at the moment), and the elemental spells (everyone can use these, though Samuel will get the most use out of them due to his high Magic stat). "Rock Toss" is also good for fighting Scissor-type enemies, but you won't be seeing those for a while. Note that if you try to use the "Heal" newspaper (Health Studies 1) on Pro or Al, the game will tell you that their Healing skill level is too low. This isn't the only example with the newspapers you can get here. You'll be able to do something about this later on, but not just now. And, of course, there's the item shop. You should make sure you have enough healing items and whatever else you need before heading out to the Tower of Page A7. As you leave town, the scene cuts to the nearby river... Commander Moron: This is an insult! I can't go back to the Evil Empire until I've made those two pay for the humiliation! Even if I have to do it without the Iguanabot! Elie: Um, but sir... Commander Moron: Silence, soldier! Now, let's see. They must have been headed to Arbitraria. They're probably either still there, or out doing a fetch quest nearby! If we strike now, we can still get them! Gather the troops! Elie: But, sir... Commander Moron: I said gather them! Elie: But sir... they're either injured or ran away after that last mission. Except for me and the Cell Phone Soldiers, but they're still talking on their phones. Commander Moron: WHAT?!? ...Okay, then get me one of their phones. I've got another idea... After that, onward to the Tower of Page A7! - Tower of Page A7 - This tower is filled with weird enemies, not that this is anything new for this game. The Exploding Donuts will explode after a few turns, so try to destroy them quickly. For whatever reason, they're weak against lightning. The Ice Cream Cones are, oddly enough, weak against ice and strong against fire. No, this doesn't make any sense. The Saxophone Warriors are pretty strong (skeletons carrying saxophones... uh, yeah), but as they're undead, you can cast Heal on them to do damage. Fire works well on them, too. Also, Samuel's Soul of Arbitraria spell will wipe out all the random enemies at this point, but it's too expensive to rely on. Only use it if you really need it. Near the halfway point of the tower, you'll see a Save Bomb and a giant monster nearby. Talk to the giant monster to save your game, then examine the Save Bomb and you'll fight it. =P - Boss Battle - Save Bomb: 27400 HP Save Shadow*2: 15700 HP The fuse on the Save Bomb will light on the first turn. Then, on each turn it advances towards you, blowing up after 10 turns. This *will* kill you... but every 500 damage you do to it knocks it back a bit. If you can do 3000 damage, it'll be too far away to damage you when it explodes, and then you win. The problem is, the Save Shadows will be attacking you the whole time for pretty high damage, and they're too strong to kill before the bomb explodes. Fortunately, you've got Soul of Arbitraria. One hit from that can knock the bomb back, so Pro and Al can just heal with items. You'll probably be able to hold on easily enough until the explosion. After the fight, the giant monster walks away and the Save Bomb, despite having exploded, will be usable normally. No, I don't understand this either. =P Also, you'll get a scene when you head to the next floor... Commander Moron: *on a cell phone* Hello. Is Mr. Iwillkillyouhorribly in? I have a job for him. Oh, hi Russ. What? How'd you know it was me? ...you didn't? So why'd you say "What do you want, Moron?" when you picked up? ...uh, never mind. Look, I want you to beat up some hero kid and his paperboy friend. Yeah, the usual rate. They shouldn't be far from you. I figure they're either in Arbitraria or doing a fetch quest nearby. Tower of Page A7, you think? Well, fine. Just bring them to me afterwards. Huh? What if they've joined up with somebody with a mysterious power? Well, yeah, you'll get paid more that way. But you'd better *prove* they have a *real* mysterious power this time! Do you realize how much trouble I got into over that kid who bent spoons the last time? Yeah, same to you! Moron out. Elie: ...sir? Um, what's he going to do to them? Commander Moron: Ooh! I don't know. I'd better get over there and watch! I don't want to miss out on my own revenge, after all! Come on, soldier. We're heading to the Tower of Page A7! We'll just use the NPC Entrance and we'll be sure to get there first. Elie: Um... okay, sir... But do we have to hurt that cute paperboy? Commander Moron: What did you say, soldier? Elie: Nothing, sir! Let's go! The second half of the tower adds a new enemy, Iron Golems. They've got irons for heads, hands, and feet. =P They're stronger than the other enemies in the area, but Al's papers do good damage to them, as they're classified as Rock enemies. Anyways, make your way up to the top... There's a Save Bomb outside, and don't worry, this one's normal. =P Commander Moron will be waiting in the final room. Commander Moron: Well, well. We meet again! And it looks like you two have picked up a new friend. Pro: What are you doing here? Commander Moron: Oh, I'm just here to watch you fall into the clever trap I've set. As soon as Russ gets here. Al: Who's Russ? Samuel: Oh no! Not Russ! He's a ruthless fiend who shows no mercy to his victims! Everyone in Arbitraria is afraid of what he might do when he emerges from hiding! Commander Moron: That's right. That's Russ Iwillkillyouhorribly. And he's coming here. Samuel: Oh, wait. *That* Russ? I thought you were talking about Russ Imaveryniceguy. Phew, that's a relief. Commander Moron: ...I will not have you disparaging my choice of mercenaries! Now, where is he? Pro: Does it matter? We're just here for Page A7. Commander Moron: Well, you're not getting it! Soldier! Get out here. We need to stall until Russ arrives. Elie: Uh... but sir... Commander Moron: No buts! - Boss Battle - Commander Moron: 2750 HP Inner Tube Elie: 1400 HP Yes, Moron has more HP than the Iguanabot did for some reason. I guess he and Elie were leveling up. =P Anyways, this isn't a hard battle. You can use Soul of Arbitraria for good damage to both, but since it's expensive, I'd say just use it twice, since there's another battle coming up. There's nothing too noteworthy here. Commander Moron doesn't have any particular skills, he just has a strong regular attack. Elie's is quite a bit weaker, though she can still hit your whole party by rolling her inner tube. It's not too hard, just keep your HP up for the next fight. Go after Elie first, since she has lower HP. Commander Moron: Grr... Where is he? *a fat guy carrying a huge weight on his shoulders walks into the room =P* Fat Guy: Huff... puff... Sorry, Moron! It took longer than I thought to climb all the stairs for some reason. Elie: Um... why are you carrying that huge weight? Commander Moron: It's his weapon! Don't you know anything? Pro: ...are you "Russ"? Fat Guy: That's right! Russ Iwillkillyouhorribly! Now, get ready to experience my power! - Boss Battle - Russ: 4500 HP He's got the most "real" HP of any boss so far. Soul of Arbitraria works pretty well still, but you're probably better off waiting until near the end of the battle to use it, since he gets more agressive once he's low on HP. He'll mostly throw his huge weight at one of you, which does a *lot* of damage. Samuel usually gets knocked into critical, if he even survives. He's probably best off defending for most of the battle. Luckily, Russ is pretty slow, and his main attack only hits one character. He has one other attack, where he tosses the weight high in the air and it crashes down a turn later, and the shockwaves hit the whole party. Defend with all your characters when this happens. This attack also hits Russ, and for whatever reason he just stands there instead of defending, so it tends to hit him harder. =P When he gets down to under 1500 HP, though, he starts bouncing the weight off of one character's head to hit another, damaging both of them. It's a lot tougher at this phase, so try to have Samuel use Soul of Arbitraria to finish the fight sooner. When you beat him, he drops a Small Weight. Commander Moron: Russ! How could you fail me? Not to mention that it took you so long to get here! Russ: Shut up, Moron! I don't have to make excuses to you! Elie: Um... uh... Pro: ...Should we just grab Page A7 while they're arguing? Al: Sounds like a plan. Commander Moron: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't call Russ Imaveryniceguy next time instead! Russ: GAH! Th... that guy's insane! Do you have any idea what he did to Rich Knights last week? And that was an improvement over what he did to him the week before! Commander Moron: Actually, no, I don't. I've never heard of him before. But I don't see how he could do a worse job of this than you! Elie: Um, sir... Commander Moron: Not now, soldier! Elie: But sir... Commander Moron: Silence! I'm in the middle of berating him! I don't have time to berate you, too! Elie: But, uh, sir... they already left... Commander Moron: WHAT?!? Russ: What? Dammit! I gotta get them so I can get paid! AAAAAHHH!!! *jumps off the tower* Elie: ...that wasn't very bright of him. Commander Moron: Grr. I guess we've got no choice but to report back to base and get some reinforcements. Of course, soldier, this entire situation is your fault because of some reason I haven't figured out yet. Elie: ...yes, sir. *at the base of the tower...* Pro: Wow. It sure took a lot less time to get back down! What are the odds we wouldn't encounter a single random monster? Al: I wonder if those idiots are still arguing. I feel a little bad for that girl soldier who has to put up with them, though. She's kind of cute, too... Samuel: Uh, what was that all about, anyways? Pro: That was some guy from the Evil Empire. He attacked us on the bridge on our way over here. Samuel: What? But the Evil Empire has always been so peaceful! Why would they do something like that? It's... it's... Al: Evil? Samuel: ...oh, right. Somehow, that never really occured to me before. I figured it was just a name. Pro: Well, let's take a look at what Page A7 has to say... Huh? This doesn't make any sense at all! It's in another language or something! Al: I guess that means we have to go on a fetch quest to get it translated. Maybe one of my papers will say something about it. But I'd rather get back to town before we check. Samuel: Oh, good! This is a perfect chance for me to practice another of my Greeter powers. I can take us back to any town after I've communed with its soul. Pro: Sounds good. Try it out. ...is it just me, or is that weird rushing sound getting louder? Al: Eh, it's probably nothing. So, Samuel, let's see this power of yours. Samuel: All right... this is really my first time trying it, but I think it'll be fine... Transport! *the three of them start glowing with light and vanish a moment before Russ crashes down, then his huge weight falls on top of him =P* Russ: Ow. Maybe that wasn't the best way down. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Back in Arbitraria, Al suggests resting for the night. You can do some stuff beforehand, but just go to the Inn when you're ready. When you choose to rest, you'll see a scene unfolding at the Evil Imperial Palace... *Camera focuses on the emperor. Caption: Emperor Evil* Emperor Evil: This meeting is called to order. General Failure, what is the status of the attack on the north continent? *camera focuses on a man in rusty armor. Caption: General Failure* General Failure: I haven't heard back from Commander Moron's forces, my lord. Obviously that means that he has the situation under control and will no doubt succeed shortly. *camera focuses on a tall aristocrat. Caption: Lord Pompous.* Lord Pompous: More likely, General, it means he's screwed up again and doesn't want us to know about it. This would never have happened if *my* forces were on the job. Emperor Evil: And how are your forces doing on the south continent, Pompous? Lord Pompous: Er. Splendidly, sire. Yes, they are absolutely not encountering any trouble with the local resistance or any other problems. Most definitely not. General Failure: So you haven't heard from yours, either. Lord Pompous: That is an entirely different situation. You are an incompetent oaf who couldn't command his way out of a paper bag, and your soldiers are so poorly trained that even your pathetic skills are more than they deserve. *camera focuses on the psychiatrist from before. Caption: Dr. Manny Pulate* Dr. Pulate: Lord Pompous, what have I told you about using your power over insults against others in the Empire? Even General Failure. Lord Pompous: But he's... Dr. Pulate: Been knocked unconscious by your last volley. I told you, stick to bragging about yourself and save your insults for the enemy. Lord Pompous: ...Such is my underappreciated brilliance. Emperor Evil: Ah, doctor. How is your little project coming along? Dr. Pulate: Quite successfully. I've already dispatched her on a test mission. Naturally, she's under supervision. Emperor Evil: Ah. I suppose that explains why we're shorthanded at this meeting? Dr. Pulate: Indeed. My apologies if it interfered, sire, but his talents were needed. You understand. Emperor Evil: As long as he returns promptly. Oh, I see Failure is coming to now. General Failure: ...guh... wha? Emperor Evil: Enough of this. What of the rest of you? *the camera zooms in on a guy in a straightjacket with his hair on fire. Caption: Larry.* Larry: Zaaagahrara osganga! Emperor Evil: ...what did he say? *the camera zooms in on someone in a sheet with eyeholes. Caption: Mr. E* Mr. E: He said that he's got some leads on the secret of the Nameless Town. Another one of his visions. I'll handle the investigation, as usual. *the camera zooms in on a giant red snake with a wizard hat, bat wings, and robot arms. Caption: Arghablerg* Arghablerg: While my next project is coming along well, I still haven't found a way to stop the Cell Phone Soldiers' signals from interfering with its operation. I've made some progress, but it still fails too often. Why do we even have that force to begin with? Emperor Evil: Because there's too much paperwork involved with getting rid of them. Larry: Arghablerg! Ahzgadh! Arghablerg: ...yes, sir. We still haven't managed to track down Ahzgadh and the notes he took with him, which has set our work back considerably. We suspect he's looking for information on the seven-and-a-half artifacts. Emperor Evil: That's not good. We'd better move fast to limit the damage he can do. What else is there to report? We're not done introducing villains here yet, you know. *the camera zooms in on a woman in a business suit and sunglasses holding a briefcase. Caption: Donna, Human Resources* Donna: Funny you should mention that, sire. I just found a new employee. I think you'll find that his skills will help us quite a bit. Emperor Evil: Oh? Bring him in. Donna: Come on in, Tim! *a huge door swings open, and a somewhat generic-looking guy walks in. The camera zooms in on said guy. Caption: Tim* Tim: Welcome to the Evil Empire! *scene fades* After that scene, Pro and his group will wake up. Al will check his papers, and finds an article that seems to fit with what they're looking for. Pro: "Hero and friends seek out former Evil Empire scientist hiding out in cave near Arbitraria to translate Page A7"? Al: That's what it says. Samuel: I don't know of any caves near here, though... Perhaps my master would be able to help us find it. Pro: I guess it's a lead. *they walk out* *a ninja walks out from the shadows* Ninja: Former Evil Empire Scientist? Well, well, well. And here I thought keeping an eye on Moron would be a waste of my talents. Now I'll just need to follow them... *starts walking out, but slips on a randomly placed banana peel* *scene shifts downstairs* Pro: I wonder how things are going back home, whatever it's called... Al: Probably fine. We haven't been gone long. *loud noise* Pro: ...hey, did you hear something? Sounded like it came from our room. Samuel: Probably nothing major. Come, we should talk to my master. *back upstairs...* Ninja: Dammit! How did that even get there? I know for a fact that none of them ate any bananas last night! I just hope that didn't draw too much attention. *knock on the door* Voice: Is someone in there? This room's supposed to be vacant now! Ninja: ...crud. I'm out of here! *jumps out a window* *outside the inn...* *the ninja crashes down in front of Pro, Al, and Samuel* *somehow, they don't notice, and just walk over him =P* Ninja: ...ow. Okay, back to stealth. Pro: Did you guys hear something? Al: Nope. Samuel: I don't think I did... Pro: *shrug* Okay, then. Ninja: Can this get any worse? *a huge weight falls on the ninja =P* Russ: Whoops! Sorry there buddy, lost my grip. *picks it up =P* Ninja: ...ow, ow, ow... *looks up* You?!? Russ: Uh... have we met? Ninja: ...Never mind. I don't have time for this. I have to go spy on those kids. Russ: Ew! What kind of sicko are you? Ninja: ...that isn't what I meant at all. Russ: Yeah, that's what they all say. Ninja: ...just get me to a good hiding place near the city gate. I can probably follow them as they leave, and hopefully I'll have time to recover by then. Russ: *shrug* Weirdo. But if you insist... *shifts the huge weight into one hand and picks up the ninja with the other, then walks around with them in a way that makes the ninja very nervous =P* Ninja: ...don't drop that on me again. Russ: Hey, that was a fluke! I tripped on you. Ninja: ... *meanwhile, at the Greeters' Guild...* Master: Hmm. A cave? I do remember hearing about one in my younger days, but the entrance was sealed up years ago. Perhaps there's still a way in, though... I think it's about... here. *marks it on a map, then hands the map to Pro* Take this with you. I'm sure you'll find it helpful. Samuel: Thank you, Master. Pro: Yeah, thanks. Hopefully we can finally figure out what these seven-and-a-half artifacts are. Al: I'm still wondering about the half part. Master: Well, good luck to you. Pro: *looks at the map* Weird, there's a bunch of towns listed here, but our town isn't. Al: No shortcuts for us, apparently. Samuel: It still seems strange to me. Master: Indeed. Perhaps there is more to your town than it seems... Pro: Well, let's head out. Samuel: Farewell, Master. I may be moving on to other towns soon. Master: I'm sure we'll meet again. *the group leaves* *at the city gate...* Ninja: So... they're coming. I *think* I can walk now. Russ: If you ask me, those kids are more trouble to deal with than they're worth. You're probably better off just staying out of it. Ninja: Hmph. Just because you're a failure doesn't mean I am. Ah... There they go. Now, I'll just see where this cave of theirs is... *runs out into the street and gets hit by a passing cart =P* Ow. Russ: ...yeah, I *really* wouldn't bother if I were that guy. Ninja: *limping* I'll still find them... *limps out of the gate after Pro and his team* Head to the spot marked on your map... - Hidden Cave of Ahzgadh - Outside, you'll see a scene where the group hunts around for an entrance. Samuel: Hmm. This boulder seems to be a bit loose... Perhaps there's a switch, or we can move it out? Al: Hmm. I'm not sure how to... huh? I see something just behind it... maybe I can reach it if I stick a newspaper in this crack... *CLICK* *the boulder starts moving, and turns into a robot* Pro: Well, that's one way to get things done... Robot: ROCKBOT ACTIVATED. ROCK ON, DUDE! *pulls a guitar out of nowhere* - Boss Battle - Rockbot - 3786 HP It's got less HP than Russ did, but high defense, and uses its guitar to hit your whole party with sonic waves for pretty strong damage. It also uses a few status attacks, but luckily those only hit one character. Al's attacks do extra damage, since it's a Rock enemy, and Soul of Arbitraria works well, too. It's also weak against Lightning attacks. It shouldn't take too long to win. Rockbot: WHOA, DUDE! ROCKBOT SIGNING OFF. *Rockbot turns back into a boulder and rolls away* Samuel: Well, I suppose we can go in now. Al: Yeah. Though I have to wonder about what else is in there. Pro: Well, there's one way to find out. *the team enters* *the ninja walks on, and gets run over by the boulder =P* Ninja: ...apparently I have the worst timing ever. The cave is filled with robotic enemies. There's not much of a need to resort to the expensive Soul of Arbitraria here, as they're all weak against lightning. About midway through the cave, you'll come across a Save Bomb. However, when you approach it, a small flying robot picks it up. You now get an introduction to using field abilities - you can switch between characters in a dungeon and use their skills to solve puzzles. In this case, head to the nearby ledge, switch to Al, and throw a newspaper at the flying robot to make it drop the Save Bomb. This causes it to explode, clearing some rubble... and somehow, it's still intact after that. Head back down and save, then go past the rubble. The flying robot will swoop down... and becomes the head of a much *bigger* robot. - Boss Battle - Megabot - 6789 HP (Snatchbot - 500 HP) This is a pretty strong enemy. Most of the time, it just punches one character with its oversized fists, though sometimes it pounds them together and hits all of you. After taking about 1500 damage, the main body collapses and the head (Snatchbot) flies off, picking up one of your characters. Use magic or Al's newspapers to make it let go and stun it, then you've got a few turns before it either picks up another character or reattaches. You can hit the main body during this time, so its high HP isn't such a big deal. It'll definitely reattach by the time it drops down to 2500 HP. At this point, its fists blow up, but get replaced with laser blasters, and it starts going crazy and gets two attacks a turn, or uses a *very* strong laser attack that hits all characters. Luckily, it only gets one attack for that turn and needs to recharge on the next one. And the lasers are weaker than the fist attacks. Still, it gets pretty rough now. Use everything you've got to get past it. You'll probably be able to manage, though. After beating it, go back and save. Then go back to where the robot was, and enter the next room... the ninja will come across the remains of the robot as you do... *Pro and his team enter the room, finding a giant blue snake with robot arms, bird wings, glasses, and a long beard reading a book* Pro: Um... Hi? Snake: Gah! I've been found! You'll never take me, Empire Scum! Pro: Uh, I guess you're the former Evil Empire scientist Al's article mentioned? Snake: Article? What? Where? Who could have leaked it? *loud noises* Pro: What's that? *the ninja walks in, carrying one of the big robot's laser cannons* Ninja: There you are, Ahzgadh! The Emperor will reward me greatly when I return with you. And you fools lead me right to him. And this weapon you've provided me with should be quite useful. Pro: Uh, who are you? Ninja: I suppose you may as well know before I kill you. I am the great ninja Hans von Klutze! Yes, I know that isn't a typical ninja name. Now, in the name of the Evil Empire, I will destroy you! Pro: What's with you Evil Empire guys anyways? We're hardly even doing anything to you except when you attack us. Von Klutze: We're evil. Now, die! - Boss Battle - Von Klutze: 8765 HP Yeah, he has more HP than the giant robot. No, it doesn't make sense. In the first part of the battle, he'll either hit you with the arm, or use it to fire lasers at you. However, every so often he'll screw up and the arm will fall on him for some extra damage. After you do about 4500 damage, the arm blows up, doing another 1000 damage to him. His attacks get weaker now, as he just uses daggers and shuriken instead, but without the arm weighing him down he's able to get two attacks in per turn. There's no particular tricks here, just go after him with your strongest attacks. You'll get a Ninja Emblem when you beat him. Von Klutze: Curses! I can't stay here! *tosses a smoke bomb, then trips on the way out, then just scurries away. Several loud noises are heard after he leaves the room.* Ahzgadh: Now that we've settled that... Who are you people? And how did you get past my robot guards? Pro: ...uh, sorry. But we need your help. See, uh, Al and I are from this town, but we don't know the name... and now that I think about it, that's probably not a very good reason to risk leading someone from the Evil Empire right to you, is it? Ahzgadh: It most certainly is n... wait, wait, wait. Is this the town just across the bridge from Arbitraria? Pro: Um, yes. How did you know? Ahzgadh: That's the Nameless Village! Unfortunately, I fled before I could find out much about *why*, but the Evil Empire is *very* interested in it. Samuel: Perhaps the town's name was hidden to keep the power of the town from being unleashed? Ahzgadh: I gathered a few things along those lines, but that's about all I know. I've been trying to find out about the seven-and-a-half artifacts that hold the key to unlocking the name. I'm hoping that can stop the Empire's plans. Al: Well, actually, we're here about that... Here's Page A7. It has that information, but it's in another language. Ahzgadh: Hmm. Actually, this seems to be in Larry-ese. Pro: "Larry-ese"? Ahzgadh: Larry is one of the Empire's top brass. He has the gift of prophecy, and it's driven him completely crazy. Only a few of us could even understand what he was saying. Somehow, this is written in the same "language" he uses. Samuel: ...perhaps we should find a safer place to talk about this. That ninja will eventually find his way out *loud noise* and tell the Empire where we are. Ahzgadh: Not to worry. I have other hiding places. I've got a teleporter leading from this one to the south continent. They won't even be looking for us there. *Ahzgadh starts fiddling around, and a console pops out; he starts pressing some buttons* Ahzgadh: Step right in. I can set it up so that they won't be able to follow us. *everyone steps onto a pad, then Ahzgadh slithers on* Pro: Well, this has gotten even weirder than I expected. Al: Yeah, the article didn't mention anything about him being a giant blue snake. Samuel: I should warn you - I'm not sure if I'm skilled enough to return us to Arbitraria from that far away. It may be some time before we can get back here. Pro: Thanks for the warning. Ahzgadh: Enough chattering! Transport, begin! - End Chapter 1 - - Chapter 1 Epilogue - The scene here opens on a hill near a small village. Anne Tagonist walks onscreen. Voice: All right, let's see what you can do for the Evil Empire. You see that village over there? Reduce it to rubble. Anne: Is that all? No problem. *laughs evilly and heads over to the village* Voice: The Doctor seemed quite confident in this subject. But I'll see for myself how she measures up. You're now in control of Anne in the village. Wander around and you'll get into fights with Innocent Villagers and Peaceful Houses. Smash them as quickly as you can; for bonus points, use the "Set on Fire" technique on the Peaceful Houses. This also gets you through faster. When you get to the end, you'll run into the Mayor... Mayor: What's going on? Why are you destroying our peaceful village of Harmlessburg? We've done nothing to you! Anne: *laughs evilly* That's the way the Evil Empire works! Now, you can die, too! Mayor: Oh no you don't! We may look like a small defenseless village, but we've got a few tricks up our sleeve... Go, Super Town Defense Force Alpha! *the mayor pulls a device out from his sleeve and presses it, turning into a cheesy-looking superhero =P* Mayor: Hyper Power Mayor! Go! *a shopkeeper, soldier, old woman, and generic guy run out and activate similar devices =P* Shopkeeper: Hyper Power Merchant! Go! Soldier: Hyper Power Town Guard! Go! Old Woman: Hyper Power Old Woman! Go! Generic Guy: Hyper Power Greeter! Welcome to Harmlessburg! Anne: Ha! You'll fall just as easily as the rest of them! - Boss Battle - Hyper Power Mayor: 4743 HP Hyper Power Merchant: 5497 HP Hyper Power Town Guard: 8286 HP Hyper Power Old Woman: 6492 HP Hyper Power Greeter: 4026 HP They all have high HP, but Anne does over 2000 damage with her normal attack. Go after the Hyper Power Greeter first; he'll use Soul of Harmlessburg to heal the others, as well as some weaker magic. The Hyper Power Town Guard uses strong physical attacks, the Hyper Power Mayor uses powerful magic, the Hyper Power Old Woman casts support spells on the others, and the Hyper Power Merchant uses physical attacks and sometimes throws money at you. The Hyper Power Old Woman should probably be your second target, then go after either the Hyper Power Mayor or the Hyper Power Town Guard. You have a big stock of healing items, so you should be able to make it through pretty easily, even though you're outnumbered. It shouldn't take too long. After you win... Hyper Power Mayor: Oh no! She's more powerful than we thought! We'll have to call out our ultimate defense! Hyper Power Town Guard: Gasp! You can't mean! Hyper Power Mayor: Yes! The SuperTownBot! Everyone, call upon your powers! Power of Politics! *the Mayor's House flies out of the ground* Hyper Power Merchant: Power of Sales! *a treasure chest flies out of the shop* Hyper Power Town Guard: Power of Blocking Bridges! *a nearby bridge flies out of place* Hyper Power Old Woman: Power of Gossip! *a rocking chair flies off her porch* Hyper Power Greeter: Power of the Town Name! *a signpost flies out of the ground* *the mayor's house turns into the upper body and arms of a robot, the treasure chest turns into its head, the bridge turns into a pair of legs, the rocking chair turns into a pair of wings, and the signpost turns into a weapon* Super Town Defense Force: SuperTownBot, GO! Anne: Give me a break! Your stupid robot is going down! - Boss Battle - SuperTownBot: 37529 HP The Super TownBot is strong, but you should be able to hold up against its attacks. Set On Fire does a lot of damage to it (after all, it's primarily made of wood =P), and it takes extra damage between turns while it's on fire. When it gets down to about 10000 HP, it starts using more powerful attacks, and puts up a fireproof barrier. (Why didn't it use that before? =P) Still, Anne's normal attacks should be enough to bring it down at that point. Hyper Power Mayor: Impossible! She defeated the SuperTownBot? Hyper Power Merchant: No! Is this the end for Harmlessburg? Hyper Power Old Woman: Find out on the next exciting episode of Super Town Defense Force! Same Super Town Defense Time, same Super Town Defense Channel! Hyper Power Greeter: Welcome to Harmlessburg! *the SuperTownBot explodes* Anne: Fools. That was pathetic. Voice: Nicely done, Anne. This town has been giving us trouble for quite some time thanks to those Super Town Defense Force fools. But now that you've dealt with them, this area is under our control. Now, let's see how you did... At this point, you get a point tally based on how you did attacking the town. Anne will get a different accessory based on this; she'll use this when Pro fights her later, but you'll get the accessory after the battle. So, this is something of a double-edged sword; doing worse here means an easier battle later on, but a worse reward. Anne: Why are you always standing offscreen, anyways? Voice: Hmm. No particular reason, really. *a man in a suit with thick glasses and a briefcase walks onscreen. Caption: Jenkins, Chief Evil Empire Accountant* Jenkins: Leaving aside the details, this was an impressive performance. I can tell that the doctor was right about you. Emperor Evil will be quite pleased. Anne: Whatever. When do I get to smash Pro? Jenkins: You'll be informed once we've located him, naturally. *looks at the remnants of the SuperTownBot* Hmm. They were rather clever... By using the bridge as a part of this device, they ensured that we couldn't destroy it without losing the bridge. This will slow down our expansion somewhat... I'll have to allocate funds in the next budget to build a new one. Anne: I don't have time for your accountant garbage. I just want to smash Pro! Jenkins: Now, now. We'll be glad to provide you with that opportunity. But we have other concerns at the moment. Anne: Well, if I can't smash Pro, can I at least smash another town? Jenkins: Oh, that shouldn't be a problem. Anne: Good. *evil laugh* - End Chapter 1 Epilogue - - Chapter 2 - *Pro, Al, Samuel and Ahzgadh reappear in another cave* Ahzgadh: Well! Now that we're safe, let me take a look at this page of yours. Pro: What does it say about the artifacts? Ahzgadh: Hmm. "The seven-and-a-half artifacts are the Gem of Absurd Power, the Oversized Pancake of the Dragon God, the Frozen Lima Beans of the East Wind, the Silver Aardvark of Some Dead Ancient Guy, the Leftover Chicken of Destiny, the Stupid Jokebook of World Destroying, the Internal Combustion Engine of the Demon King, and the Heads side of the Coin of Failed Economic Policy." Al: ...hey, that "Gem of Absurd Power" sounds familiar. Pro: Uh, yeah. It was in that cave where we ran into that big monster. Ahzgadh: You already have one of the Artifacts, then? Pro: Well, er, actually... uh... Ahzgadh: What? Pro: Well, I gave it to my mom so she could pay the psychiatrist to do something about my crazy sister Anne. Ahzgadh: (Anne? Hmm... that sounds familiar. Too close to when I left to remember the details, though... I'll just bring up the other thing for the moment.) Ahzgadh: Did you say a psychiatrist? Did you meet him, by any chance? Pro: Um, no... I don't think so. Ahzgadh: Hmm. Then I can't be sure, but... Al: Wait, I think I have a paper from when his office opened. *Al pulls out a paper with the psychiatrist's picture on it* Ahzgadh: Just as I feared. That's Dr. Manny Pulate, the Evil Psychiatrist. He's one of the Emperor's top advisors. In fact, I've heard rumors that he started the Emperor on the path to conquering the world by recommending it as a way to get over his depression. Al: Geez! That means that the Evil Empire already has one of the seven-and-a-half artifacts. Nice going, Pro. Pro: Hey, what was I supposed to do? It was my mom's idea! ...And oh crud. What if he does something to Anne? Sure, she's always out to get me, but she's still my sister... Samuel: It doesn't matter. We will simply have to get it back somehow. In the meantime, we can look for the other artifacts and keep them out of the wrong hands. Ahzgadh: Indeed. Fortunately, I happen to know that the Oversized Pancake of the Dragon God isn't too far from this cave. I just didn't know it was one of the artifacts until now... I'll mark its location on a map of the region, along with some other major landmarks. *Ahzgadh hands the team a map* Ahzgadh: I'd suggest you go to the town of Fort Nonsense nearby before doing anything else. It's a central stronghold of the resistance forces on this continent, so they may be able to help you reach the Thunder Volcano it's hidden in. Everyone: Thunder Volcano? Ahzgadh: Look, I never said it was in a place that made any sense. In the meantime, now that I know what the artifacts are, I believe I can start researching where to find them. Come back here after you've found the Pancake, and I'll give you what information I can. Pro: Well, okay... Um... Ahzgadh: What? Pro: Well, uh, you're a giant snake with robot arms and wings. And, uh, I can't help wondering why. Ahzgadh: Oh, that? My younger brother Arghablerg and I were supposed to be guardians of some artifact. But we didn't really have much interest in it, so we left, and after a series of wacky adventures, we ended up being put to work in the research division of the Evil Empire. That's where we designed these robot arms, among other things. Then I started to get frustrated with working for Evil's ends, took my notes and whatever else I could get together, and fled underground. Both figuratively and literally. As far as I know, Arghablerg is still working with them, however. Pro: Okay, I guess that explains most of it... What were you guardians of, anyways? Ahzgadh: I don't even remember just what it is we were guarding in the first place. Ah well, if it's important, it will turn up on its own. Pro: Well, thanks for the information. We'll be back after we get the Pancake. Ahzgadh: Good luck. (Hmm... I wonder. If he retrieved the Gem, and he has the power I think he does... Well, it can wait until my research is done.) You'll have to go through a short dungeon; however, Ahzgadh turned off the security systems, so you have a relatively easy way out. Although you'll notice some weird things along the way... There are still random encounters here, but nothing much stronger than in Ahzgadh's other cave. After you've made your way out, the exit closes behind you. Then you'll see a short scene back in Pro's hometown where his mother is *still* waiting outside the psychiatrist's office. =P After that, head to Fort Nonsense nearby. - Fort Nonsense - When you enter, some guards will stop you... Guard 1: Halt! State your business! Pro: We're a stereotypical hero, a paperboy, and a greeter. We're here to get some help reaching the Thunder Volcano. Guard 2: A likely story! That's what the Evil Empire spies said last week! Guard 1: No, the guys last week said they were a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker, and the subsequent investigation showed that they actually were. Guard 2: The investigators were Evil Empire spies! Guard 1: You say everybody is an Evil Empire spy. The only time you didn't was when the guy who said he was here to spy on us and reveal our secrets to the Evil Empire. Guard 2: Well, how could you think he was? He looked so honest! I still can't believe you wouldn't let him in. Guard 1: ...he *said* he was a spy, you idiot! Why do you even still work here... oh, right, because your dad's the mayor. Well, fortunately, the Captain isn't an idiot, and doesn't let you have any actual control over who goes in and who doesn't. Samuel: So, may we enter? Guard 1: Not yet. You see, while you certainly *look* like a rag-tag band of adventurers, I'm going to need some proof. And naturally, that means a fetch quest. Pro: Why am I not surprised? Guard 2: You're playing right into their hands! Do you want the Evil Empire to walk right into here and take over? Guard 1: Shut up. Now, this fetch quest is pretty simple. I want you to go to the Palace of Horrible Deathtraps and retrieve the Absolutely Not Cursed Really We Mean It Scepter. Then bring it back here, and that will be good enough proof. Al: ...that's, uh, crazy. Guard 1: Yeah, I know, but that's what the procedure is. Here's where the Palace of Horrible Deathtraps is, and if you need any stuff, I can call a merchant over here. And for a small fee, you can sleep right here in front of the gate. Pro: ...well, I guess we're heading off, then. After that, buy whatever stuff you need. You can't upgrade your weapons or buy more Newspapers yet, so hopefully you were prepared beforehand. Still, even if not, the next area isn't *too* bad. - Palace of Horrible Deathtraps - All of the Deathtraps are random enemies; you'll face Pit Traps, Guillotines, Bear Traps, Flaming Arrow Traps, Spiked Ceilings, and Giant Boulder Switches. They can do some high damage, but they die pretty easily. Outside of the random battles, you won't have to deal with any traps at all. There aren't any traps on the chests or Save Bomb or anything. Speaking of the Save Bomb, you'll come to it relatively soon. Use it, then head to the next room. Inside... - Boss Battle - Collapsing Floor: 10000 HP This is a weird battle. The floor keeps attacking itself, and gets smaller as it does. What you need to do is use healing spells and items to keep it from collapsing too much. After about 20 turns, it stops collapsing, then a pedestal with the Absolutely Not Cursed Really We Mean It Scepter on it drops down from the ceiling, and comes to life. Pedestal: 6429 HP The pedestal will pound on one character, and will sometimes roll over the whole party. Still, there's nothing too special about it... until it gets down to about 2500 HP. Then it "throws" the scepter, hitting your whole team... and surprise surprise, the scepter is actually cursed. However, somehow Pro doesn't seem to be affected by it, and he picks up the scepter. When he does, he gets the Cursed Strike and Curse Barrier techniques from it. You can only use Pro at the moment, as the others are disabled by the curse, but his new techniques will make it fairly easy to finish the pedestal off. Somehow, that removes the curse on the others. =P Pro: That was weird. I didn't get cursed, and I can use some new skills? What happened? Al: Dunno. Maybe we should ask the giant blue snake guy next time we get a chance. Samuel: I think that would be good. But for now, we need to get the Oversized Pancake of the Dragon God. Pro: Yeah, I guess we may as well head back to town for now... After that, you'll be back on the world map. Head back to the town now... - Fort Nonsense - Pro: Okay, we got the scepter, and it was in fact cursed, but somehow it didn't affect me. So can we get in now? Guard 2: No! You're clearly Evil Empire spies! Guard 1: Shut up. Yeah, you got through the fetch quest, so you can come in. You wanted to find out about the Thunder Volcano, right? Pro: Yeah. Who should we talk to? Guard 1: Probably you'll want to talk to the Captain. I'll set up a meeting. You can just take in the sights for now. We'll send a messenger to the Inn when we're ready for you, okay? Pro: Sure, I guess. *they walk in* Samuel: Hmm. Perhaps I can try to make contact with the soul of this town while we wait. Then we can return here easily. Al: How's that work? Samuel: We'll need to find where the soul rests. I may be able to get some information from this town's Greeter on it. Pro: Well, I guess we can look into it. But it can probably wait until after the meeting, too... Let's just see what we can do. Now you'll gain control, and can visit the blacksmith and Newsstand. And, you can also start the sidequest to get Soul of Fort Nonsense. Note that just talking to the Greeter will be enough to let you Transport to a town, but for the Soul skill, you'll have to work a bit harder. You may as well talk to the Greeter (easy enough to find) right now, but getting the skill itself will be harder, and I suggest you wait a little bit before you start on that. When you're done in town, head to the Inn and rest. The messenger will show up when you're awake. Talk to him and you'll be taken to see the Captain. Captain: (offscreen) So, you want to go to the Thunder Volcano, do you? Well, we can help you, but... Okay. What are you all staring at? Pro: Uh, well, uh... You're a lot younger than I expected. Al: And, uh, you're carrying a rocket launcher. Samuel: Would you mind terribly not pointing it at us, miss Captain? *the camera shifts, revealing the Captain; a girl around Pro's age with a rocket launcher on her shoulder =P* Captain: Oh, sorry. I tend to forget about it for a while after I get back from a mission. And I forgot to introduce myself, didn't I? Name's Julie. I'm Captain of the Guard around here. So, who are you guys? Pro: Pro. Pro Tagonist. Al: Al. I'm a paperboy. Samuel: Samuel. I'm a Greeter. Julie: Uh... a what? Samuel: Welcome to Arbitraria! Julie: Oh, like Fred. Wait, you guys can say other stuff, too? I never knew that! Samuel: Er. Well, not on the job... and we don't normally go adventuring, but this is something of a special case... Julie: Well, anyhow. Like I was saying, the Thunder Volcano is in secure territory. We can't let just anyone go in there. Pro: Does this mean we have to go on another fetch quest? Julie: Nah. Just a little training. If you pass, you can go there as long as you've got someone with proper clearance with you. I can take care of that part once you're done. Pro: Training? What do we have to do? Julie: Oh, nothing big. Just head over to the training grounds when you're ready. I'll explain the rest there. Al: Hey, how bad can it be? After that, you may want to save. Then, head over to the training grounds. Julie: Hi guys! Okay, this is pretty simple. You just have to spar with some of our soldiers. Don't worry too much about winning... *the Mayor walks in* Mayor: Captain Julie! What's going on here? My son tells me that these people are spies for the Evil Empire! Julie: ...Sir, with all due respect, your son tells you that *everyone* is a spy for the Evil Empire. Mayor: Nevertheless, we can't be too careful! What's this about letting them in to battle against our soldiers? Julie: They want to go to the Thunder Volcano. I thought I'd just give them some basic training so that they could go with an escort... Mayor: Hmmph! Well, I will allow that... On one condition. If they lose, they will be forever banned from Fort Nonsense! And I don't want to see any of our soldiers holding back! Is that clear? Julie: ...yes, sir. (Sorry, guys... He's like this sometimes.) Pro: ...no pressure, right? Al: ...yeah. First, you'll fight two Nonsense Soldiers. Then three. Then a Nonsense Elite and two Nonsense Soldiers. Then, three Nonsense Elite. They're strong, but you should be able to handle them. After that... Julie: Well, sir? Are you satisfied now? Mayor: Hmm. I'll admit they're quite accomplished... but I'm not quite convinced. I have one final match in mind. Julie: Uh, you do, sir? Mayor: Yes. Captain Julie, I order you to challenge these suspected Evil Empire spies! Everyone: WHAT?!?! Mayor: You heard me! And no holding back, or I'll have your badge! Julie: I don't have a badge, sir. Mayor: Well, then I'll just fire you! Now, get down there and stop them! Julie: ...yes, sir... I'm *really* sorry about this, you three... - Boss Battle - Captain Julie: 3420 HP Nonsense Elite: 1200 HP Nonsense Soldier: 889 HP The Nonsense Soldier and Nonsense Elite will go down quickly; use Soul of Arbitraria to speed the process up, because Julie's attacks hit *hard*, and having to deal with the soldiers at the same time is just nasty. Once they're down, though, you should be okay. Curse Barrier helps a lot here, as does Bugle. Julie doesn't have that much HP compared to a lot of bosses so far, so you should win pretty quickly. Mayor: ...WHAT?!? You held back, Captain! That's the only explanation! Julie: Mayor, did it occur to you that maybe these guys are *that* strong? Mayor: Well... but... spies... my son... Julie: Are you going to back down on your word? Mayor: ...bah! Fine. But don't come running to me when they tell the Evil Empire all our secrets! *leaves* Julie: Sorry about that. He can be a real pain sometimes. Pro: So, about the Thunder Volcano? Julie: Oh, right. Well, let's get going. No time to waste, right? Al: Huh? What do you mean? Julie: I'm going as your escort. You need one, remember? Samuel: Welcome to Arbitraria... I mean, to the team, then! Pro: Yeah, I think after that last fight, we're all glad to have you on *our* side of the battlefield. But, uh, don't you have a job to do here? Julie: It's better for me to get out while the Mayor's upset anyways. He just gets worse when he sees me after something like this. Now, come on. I've already got a ride ready for us. Al: Uh... already? Julie: Yeah, I figured the Mayor would stick his nose in this, so I was planning to leave with you guys anyways. I didn't know just what he'd pull, though. Sorry about all the rockets to the face. Pro: It's okay. We've dealt with some pretty rough things before. Julie: Thanks for being so understanding. Now, let's get to that Thunder Volcano! Julie now joins the party. Her normal attack with the rocket launcher ignores defense on a lot of enemies, and that's going to start being useful soon. Since you've got four characters, the sidequest for the Soul of Fort Nonsense skill will be easier, so this is a good time to do it. Otherwise, you can just head to the cable car station to get to the Thunder Volcano. For the sidequest, first talk to the Fort Nonsense Greeter if you haven't already... Greeter Fred: Welcome to Fort Nonsense! Samuel: Welcome to Arbitraria! (Translation: Hail, Greeter! I am one of your kind!) Greeter Fred: Welcome to Fort Nonsense! (Translation: Oh! A fellow Greeter? What takes you to this town?) Samuel: Welcome to Arbitraria! (Translation: I am on a quest that may be of great importance to the Greeters. My friends here are from a town without a name.) Greeter Fred: Welcome to Fort Nonsense! (Translation: Unheard of! I will be glad to offer whatever help I can with resolving the problem!) Samuel: Welcome to Arbitraria! (Translation: Can you tell me where I may go to meet with the Soul of this town? If it would lend me its power, that would aid us greatly.) Greeter Fred: Welcome to Fort Nonsense! (Translation: Climb down the town well to find the path to the Soul. But be warned, dangerous monsters have taken over as of late. It is much more treacherous than when I met the Soul.) Samuel: Welcome to Arbitraria! (Translation: Thank you for the information. Do you have anything to add, or shall we be on our way?) Greeter Fred: Welcome to Fort Nonsense! (Translation: Wait. I see you have learned the power of Transport. I cannot ask the Soul to grant you its power, but I will ask it to take you back here if you request it.) *Transport can now take you to Fort Nonsense* Samuel: Welcome to Arbitraria! (Translation: Thank you, fellow Greeter. Three plums, two chickens, and a salami.) Greeter Fred: Welcome to Fort Nonsense! (Translation: I beg your pardon?) Samuel: Welcome to Arbitraria! (Translation: My apologies. I meant, "May you always feel welcome", but it was a bit garbled because I was trying not to sneeze.) Greeter Fred: Welcome to Fort Nonsense! (Translation: Ah, of course. A natural mistake. And may you always feel welcome.) Pro: Um... are you just going to stand there welcoming each other all day? Samuel: Welcome to... er, sorry. He was on duty, so I had to talk to him as a Greeter. Al: ...you have a weird job. Samuel: It is not simply a job, it is a way of life. In any case, he told me where to find the Soul of the town. We can get there by climbing down the well. Al: It's still a weird job. Pro: I have to agree there. Samuel: I suppose it is difficult for outsiders to understand the way of the Greeters. But, at any rate, I would like to commune with the Soul of this town when we have the time to spare. Pro: Well, okay. It could help us out, I guess. After triggering that scene, you can climb down the well in the center of town, and there's a door at the bottom. Go through and you'll be in a short dungeon. The enemies here are *tough*. The Stone Statue and Paper Wall aren't so bad - they have high defense, but since they're Rock and Paper attribute, you can go after their weaknesses. The Guardian Scissors enemies are another matter, unless you have Rock Toss. The real problem, though, is the Immense Armor, which has high defense against both physical and magic attacks. And all of them do pretty high damage for this point in the game. It's a lot easier to do this with Julie; her rocket launcher ignores their high defenses, and just having four characters instead of three is a big help with the battles. Near the end is a Save Bomb. Use it and go through the door to meet with the Soul of Fort Nonsense... Soul: APPROACH, GREETER. Samuel: Ah... Hello. I am Samuel, from Arbitraria. I am on a quest with my friends, and I wish to ask for your aid, oh Soul. Soul: YOU HAVE DONE WELL TO COME HERE, GREETER SAMUEL. I AM WILLING TO ASSIST YOU, PROVIDED YOU PASS MY TEST. YOUR FRIENDS WILL NOT BE ABLE TO AID YOU. ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THIS? (You can choose yes or no, if you say no you can go back. If you say yes...) Samuel: I am. Let it begin. Soul: VERY WELL. HERE IS THE TEST! *the boss music starts playing* Soul: WHO WAS THE FOUNDER OF FORT NONSENSE? (Lord Nonsense/King Nonsense/Nobody/Your mom!) (Correct answer: Your mom!) Soul: THAT IS CORRECT. MY MOTHER FOUNDED THIS TOWN. NEXT QUESTION! (Otherwise...) Soul: INCORRECT. BUT THE TEST IS NOT YET OVER. Soul: WHAT IS THE PRIMARY EXPORT OF FORT NONSENSE? (Nonsense/Cheese/Inflatable Horseshoes/Plasma Cannons) (Correct answer: Cheese) Soul: CORRECT. CHEESE IS THE PRIMARY EXPORT OF FORT NONSENSE. o.o (Otherwise...) Soul: INCORRECT. BUT THE TEST IS NOT YET OVER. Soul: AND NOW, THE FINAL QUESTION! DO YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO STAND UP AGAINST THE SOUL OF FORT NONSENSE? - Boss Battle - Fort Nonsense Soul: 1200 HP (Both questions right) 1800 HP (One question right) 2400 HP (No questions right) You only have Samuel, and can't use Town Soul powers. Still, this isn't too bad. The Compass does decent damage here, if you didn't give Samuel any attack magic for some reason, but otherwise, just cast attack spells and heal when you need to. The Soul just uses fairly weak regular attacks, a "Soul Blast" spell that's somewhat stronger, but still not too bad, and raises its defense when its HP gets low. Still, you should be able to make it through. It has more HP if you didn't get the questions right, but it isn't really any stronger otherwise. Soul: YOU HAVE PASSED THE TEST, GREETER SAMUEL. YOU MAY CALL UPON MY POWER TO AID YOU. MAY YOU ALWAYS BE WELCOME. Samuel: And may you always be welcome, oh Soul. *Soul of Fort Nonsense acquired!* You automatically return to the town afterwards. The Soul of Fort Nonsense raises defense and magic defense for the whole party. It's pretty useful in rough battles. After you do that (or not...), go to the cable car and once you arrive on the other side, head for the Thunder Volcano. - Thunder Volcano - ...so, for some reason, all the random enemies in the Thunder Volcano are ice-based. Weirdos. Well, anyways, the Fire spell will be quite useful here. If you did the sidequest for the Soul of Fort Nonsense, these enemies will be pretty easy by comparison. Early on, you'll have to switch to Julie and use her rocket launcher to break down a wall. Unfortunately, this results in the monster behind it waking up... - Boss Battle - Abominable Thunderman: 12875 HP Yes, an actual thunder-based enemy. It looks like an electrified yeti. It's not too tough, though. If you have it, use Soul of Fort Nonsense and you won't take that much damage. Otherwise, use Fire and Ice attacks, both work well against it. Obviously, Lightning attacks are a bad idea. It's got pretty high defense, but Julie's rocket launcher doesn't particularly care. It should go down pretty quickly. You may want to leave the dungeon and recover after winning that battle, since you're not very far in. As you continue on, you'll come across a room with, uh, thunder geysers? Don't bother asking me what the deal is. Just time it so you don't walk over them when they're active, or you'll get a shock that sends you back to the beginning of the room. A little further on, you come across... electrified lava? This place is nuts. Anyways, you have to make your way across a crumbling bridge. However, it has several branches, and not all of them lead to the other side. Use Samuel as the onscreen character and his Compass will indicate the correct path with an arrow at each junction point. After all that, you'll reach the Save Bomb. Use it, and in the next room... Booming Voice: WHO DARES TO SEEK THE OVERSIZED PANCAKE OF THE DRAGON GOD? Pro: Uh, that would be us... Booming Voice: FOOLS! I AM THE DRAGON GOD! AND NONE MAY TOUCH MY PANCAKE! LEAVE AT ONCE OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES! Pro: But we kinda need it... Booming Voice: THAT'S IT! I, THE WATER DRAGON GOD, WILL DEAL WITH YOU MYSELF! *a giant serpent appears* Al: ...Water Dragon God? In a Thunder Volcano? Julie: I'd heard legends about it, but I thought they were pretty ridiculous. Huh, go figure. Water Dragon God: SILENCE! NONE SHALL QUESTION MY CHOICE OF VENUES! NOW, YOU FACE MY WRATH! - Boss Battle - Water Dragon God: 523450 HP Yes, he has six-digit HP. However, after three rounds, he'll be struck by lightning from the volcano for 500000 damage, so it's mostly just for show. =P Still, he's pretty strong. The Soul of Fort Nonsense will cut down on the damage a lot, so use it right away. Otherwise, cast lightning spells on him... the volcano strengthens them, so you'll do quite a bit of damage. Similarly, his tidal wave attack is weakened, though it still does pretty heavy damage... be glad this guy's an idiot and fighting you here. =P His physical attacks are pretty strong, too. You can get by without Soul of Fort Nonsense, but it helps a *lot*. After you defeat him, he drops a Dragon Scale... which would make sense, except it's a giant balance scale. Some real weirdos designed this game. =P Water Dragon God: DAMMIT! OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT, IT WAS STUPID TO FIGHT IN A THUNDER VOLCANO. NEXT TIME, I SHOULD FIGHT IN THE LIGHTNING GLACIER. Pro: Uh... Water Dragon God: OH, JUST TAKE THE STUPID PANCAKE. I DON'T EVEN REALLY LIKE PANCAKES ANYWAYS. BUT I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE SOMEDAY! *vanishes* Pro: Ancient guardians are weird. Al: Yeah. Speaking of which, we should probably be getting back to the blue snake with wings and robot arms. Julie: ...blue snake? Robot arms? Are you making this up? Samuel: No more than we were making up the water dragon god in the thunder volcano. Julie: Good point. Ancient guardians are weird. Let's go meet this blue snake of yours. You automatically leave the Thunder Volcano... however, as you do, you get a cutscene back in Ahzgadh's first cave... *Arghablerg, Von Klutze, Commander Moron, Elie, and Russ Iwillkillyouhorribly enter* Arghablerg: You fools! He must have escaped! Russ: Hey, I didn't have anything to do with it. I just found this ninja guy lying on the ground. Again. Von Klutze: And you dropped your stupid weight on me! Again! Russ: Well, geez. I didn't see you. I thought that was the whole point of being a ninja. Von Klutze: Well... uh... shut up! Commander Moron: If he'd reported to me about the location, I could have caught them! Von Klutze: Like you would have done any better! I saw the whole business with you and your huge weight-wielding mercenary at the Tower of Page A7. You were a complete failure. And that's not even getting into the disaster at the bridge! Commander Moron: Well... Hey! If you saw it, why didn't you do something at the tower? Von Klutze: Because... because... because I'm the ninja! I don't have to do that! Arghablerg: Silence! All of you! Elie: But, I didn't even say anything... Arghablerg: Well, be silent anyways! He probably has a teleporter set up here. If I can find it, perhaps I can use it to find his location. Ah! Here we are. *Arghablerg finds a button and the teleport console appears* Arghablerg: Now, let's see... Aha! The last teleport. Excellent. All of you, onto the console! Russ: What? Hey, how much am I getting paid for this? Arghablerg: Silence! We have no time to waste! *Arghablerg shoves everyone onto the console, gets on, and everyone teleports* *meanwhile, in Ahzgadh's current cave...* Ahzgadh: Hmm. Judging by that light, it would appear that Arghablerg found the phony teleport console. Pity he was never very good at geography, or he might have realized his mistake sooner. *scene cuts to the Evil Empire throne room* Emperor Evil: Well, Doctor, Jenkins has just submitted his report, and apparently Anne has succeeded in finally demolishing Harmlessburg. I am pleased. Dr. Pulate: Naturally, Sire. I knew she would prove an asset. Emperor Evil: Unfortunately, it seems that the Harmlessburg bridge was destroyed in the process. This will slow down our expansion in the region... *Arghablerg and everyone else teleport in =P* Emperor Evil: Arghablerg! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be tracking down your traitorous brother and his notes! Arghablerg: Um... I don't suppose you've seen Ahzgadh around here, Sire? Dr. Pulate: Hmmph. You've been going about this entirely the wrong way, Arghablerg. I've finally had the time to go over Ahzgadh's psychological profile, and it seems fairly obvious that he would cover his tracks after escaping. And most likely he'd teleport to a safer place. Emperor Evil: And where would that be? Dr. Pulate: It's quite obvious. He'd be close to one of our strongest enemies. Most likely Fort Nonsense. We haven't been able to make any progress in that region. Arghablerg: So? How does that help? We can't get there. Dr. Pulate: Well, you're the inventor. I don't handle the technical side here. *walks out* Arghlaberg: ...I hate him. Russ: I don't even get what's going on here. Commander Moron: Hail, oh great Emperor Evil! Emperor Evil: Oh, be quiet, Moron. Russ: Hey, am I still getting paid for this? Von Klutze: Ow! Quit dropping your stupid huge weight on me! Elie: Um... hi? Emperor Evil: *sigh* Good evil help is so hard to find these days. After all that, you finally regain control of Pro's team, back in Fort Nonsense. Pro: So, are you staying here? Julie: I hope not. I hate sticking around this town for too long. Mayor: Captain Julie! Where have you been? Julie: ...hello, sir. Mayor: I've been calling for you for hours! I haven't been able to properly berate you for insubordination! What could you possibly have been doing? Julie: I was escorting our guests to the Thunder Volcano, sir. Mayor: What? I did not approve that! How dare you not go through proper channels! I should give you a badge just so I can take it away! Pro: Um... that would be kind of pointless, wouldn't it? Mayor: Silence! I'm still not convinced you aren't Evil Empire spies, and what's more... Booming Voice: OH, BE QUIET. YOU'RE EVEN MORE FULL OF IT THAN I AM. Mayor: Er... *the Water Dragon God flies down =P* Water Dragon God: LOOK, I'M IN A PRETTY BAD MOOD TODAY. THE LAST THING I NEED IS SOMEBODY LIKE YOU SPOUTING OFF ABOUT HOW HE'S SO HIGH-AND-MIGHTY WHEN I'M STILL MIFFED AT HOW STUPID IT WAS FOR A WATER DRAGON GOD TO FIGHT IN A THUNDER VOLCANO. NOW, COOL OFF, OR I'LL *MAKE* YOU COOL OFF. Mayor: ...um, yes, okay. Please don't hurt me? Water Dragon God: FINE. I WON'T. NOT TODAY, ANYHOW. Mayor: ...er, Captain Julie, why don't you take a nice, long vacation. You've earned it. I'm sure you can recommend someone who can do an excellent job as Captain until you return. Julie: Well, since you made such a kind offer, how can I refuse? I'll be back after we defeat the Evil Empire. Pro: Huh? Are we going to do that? Julie: Well, why not? Al: ...she's got a point. They *are* evil. Samuel: I'm still shocked by that. Everyone: ... Al: So, let's go and see that blue snake. Now that you're finished with all that, the next stop is Ahzgadh's current cave. - Fort Nonsense Cave - Examine the cave wall. Pro: Um. Is he going to open it up for us? I don't know how else to get in. Julie: Oh, I can take care of that. Stand back, everyone! *Julie blows the entrance open with the rocket launcher* *a siren starts blaring* Samuel: Er... That may not have been the wisest course of action. Julie: Oops. Um, sorry about that. Al: ...so, I guess something's going to come out and attack us now? *the siren shuts off and Ahzgadh slithers out* Ahzgadh: Well, actually I was just going to shut off the alarm, but I *could* send a robot after you if you really had your heart set on that. Al: Uh... no, that's okay. Julie: ...You weren't kidding about the blue snake. Ahzgadh: Ah? I don't believe we've met, young lady. At any rate, I was about to open the door for you all, but you seem to have taken care of that yourselves. Julie: Um, sorry about that, Mr. Blue Snake. Ahzgadh: Well, never mind. You have the Oversized Pancake of the Dragon God, correct? Pro: Yeah. The Dragon God didn't seem to be very bright. Ahzgadh: Good. And... did anything unusual happen along the way? Pro: Um... you mean more unusual than going on a quest to find out my town's name, fighting soldiers armed with inner tubes, cell phones, and brocolli, meeting somebody who welcomes people to town for a living, climbing a tower for a page from a newspaper, being attacked by a mercenary with a huge weight, finding a blue winged snake with robot arms, going to a temple of deathtraps for an absolutely-not-cursed scepter that actually was cursed, somehow getting new powers from said scepter, going to a Thunder Volcano, and fighting a Water Dragon God who insisted on living there? Ahzgadh: Ah. What was that part about getting new powers from the cursed scepter? Pro: Oh, right. The curse didn't work on me for some reason, and now I can do some stuff I couldn't before. Ahzgadh: Excellent! I sensed you might have such a power. But I need to see something first. Pro: What do you mean? Ahzgadh: I wish to conduct... a test. I wish to see the extent of your power. Are you prepared? If you answer no, you can leave, save, and come back. Ahzgadh will ask again if you're ready. Once you answer yes... - Boss Battle - Ahzgadh: 2243 HP RockBot: 3786 HP You only have Pro for this battle. Ahzgadh will summon a RockBot, identical to the one you fought before, to help him out. The RockBot will block every attack you throw at it, and Ahzgadh will repair it every turn. After 5 turns, Ahzgadh will tell you to try using the Oversized Pancake. Go to Pro's skill menu and use the new skill listed as "?????". It costs all of Pro's MP, but use it anyways. You'll activate Pancake Wave, sending a tidal wave with the Oversized Pancake on top of it over both of them. This will do about 4000 to the RockBot (it's weak against water) and 1500 to Ahzgadh, temporarily disabling his arms. After this, Ahzgadh congratulates you, but says there's still something he wants to test and starts charging up something. You can attack him this round if you want, but even if you're seriously overleveled, he'll survive it. Anyways, on the next round, he sends a blast of magic at you... a bright light surrounds Pro, however, and he gets fully restored. Ahzgadh then collapses from the strain of using the attack, and the fight ends. Ahzgadh: It's... as I thought. You can also receive power from... the Seven-and-a-Half Artifacts. In fact... you've already received some... from the Gem of Absurd Power... that's how you were able to block that... Pro: Uh... Are you okay? Ahzgadh: That spell... took quite a lot out of me... But I needed to use it... to be sure... Pro: ...wait. What would have happened to me if I hadn't mysteriously blocked it? Ahzgadh: Er... Well, that's quite irrelevant. Besides, you were able to use the power of the Oversized Pancake, and you told me you'd had the Gem of Absurd Power, so it seemed likely... and that's an awful lot to say in one breath when I'm this exhausted. *Ahzgadh faints* Al: ...Uh. I guess we'd better get him some help. Do we take him to a vet or a mechanic? Julie: We could take him to Dr. Jimmy, the veterinarian mechanic. He's over in East Weston. I don't think there's anyone else closer... Pro: I suppose we have to go through a cave or a mountain pass or another dimension to get there? Julie: Well... See, usually we take a boat from the Harmlessburg region across the bridge. But it was destroyed when the Evil Empire attacked them not long ago. They're right across from us now, but they can't get to us and we can't get to them. So... I guess I don't know how to get there. Samuel: Hmm. I may know something. The founder of the Greeters, Norton Phillip Carter, was originally the *only* Greeter in the world. He travelled from town to town through secret routes. Most were sealed when the Guild expanded worldwide, but in accordance with the Book of Contrived Plot Devices, we left the path from Fort Nonsense to West Easton alone. Pro: The Book of Contrived Plot Devices? ...Never mind. Where is this secret path? Samuel: Er, I'm afraid I'm not sure. But I do know that it's marked with an odd symbol... Here, let me draw it for you. *Samuel hands Pro a piece of paper with a "No Smoking" symbol on it =P* Pro: ...Weird. What does this symbol mean? Samuel: According to my master, it means that you aren't supposed to smoke on the sacred path. Al: Well, let's start looking for it. *the group picks up Ahzgadh and walks off* *Mr. E. suddenly appears after they've left* Mr. E: Well, well, well. How nice of them to leave the door open for me. And the alarm is off, too. This is a perfect opportunity. *Mr. E. walks into the cave; the door closes behind him* Go back to Fort Nonsense. You will *have* to talk to Fred the Greeter; you'll get the power to warp to Fort Nonsense, and he'll "tell" you that the only symbol like that he's seen was at the restaurant. If you try going there before, it'll be closed. Go there, and the waiter will ask if you want the smoking or non-smoking section. Pick the non-smoking section, and after the meal, go to the No Smoking sign and examine it. (If you pick the smoking section, you get a bad ending where Pro dies of lung cancer.) You'll reveal a door to the secret path. - Secret Path - As soon as you enter, you'll get into a battle. - Boss Battle - Potato Knight*4: 1700 HP each Yeah, these are giant potatoes, and they're strong. You'll be fighting them as regular enemies in here, but you'll only see at most one at a time in a random battle. Anways, go all-out here. Pro will comment that he can't use the Pancake Wave for some reason (actually, he'll do this in a random battle if you get into one before coming here), so that's out for the moment. Still, with Soul of Arbitraria and your other attacks, this shouldn't be too tough. They're weak against Scissor attacks, though they don't have the Paper attribute. After the fight... Samuel: How strange! Where did these monsters come from? This is a sacred path! Al: Beats me, but we'd better be careful. And geez, this snake guy weighs a ton! Ahzgadh: (mumbling) mmm... chicken fingers... Pro: Well, he doesn't seem like he's going to snap out of it. Guess we don't have much choice. You may want to go back to town and recover if you went all-out in that fight. After doing that, continue along the path. You'll encounter more Potato Knights in random battles, along with Giant Midgets and Midget Giants. None of them is that tough individually, though. After a straightforward path, you'll come to a Save Bomb. Just past it, you'll get into another boss fight... - Boss Battle - Potato King: 17603 HP Potato Knight*2: 1700 HP The Potato Knights will defend the Potato King against all attacks (Soul of Arbitraria is the only one that can get through) and he'll revive them when they're defeated. The basic strategy is to try to take out both Knights on the same turn, then go all-out on the King on the next turn before he can revive them. They also only get revived with half their HP, so they're easier to get rid of after the first time. This may take a while to get through, though. Remember, you can use Soul of Arbitraria to hit the Potato King while the Knights are still out there. You'll get a Potato Crown after the fight. When you win... Samuel: This is strange. How did these monsters get in here? They aren't even native to either Fort Nonsense or East Weston! They've only been seen in... ...in the Evil Empire... Pro: ...so, what? Did the Evil Empire round monsters up, find a way into here, and let them out? Voice: Well, it seems you've figured us out. *Arghablerg slithers up in front of them* Arghablerg: Ah, it seems you found my traitorous brother. That will save us quite a bit of time. Samuel: How did you get into this sacred path? Julie: They must have taken over West Easton and they're planning to use this passageway to sneak into Fort Nonsense! Arghablerg: Well, not quite. That *is* our plan, but we haven't been able to take East Weston yet. We just had some help getting in. Tim, come introduce yourself, will you? *Tim walks up beside Arghablerg* Tim: Welcome to the Evil Empire! Samuel: *shocked* Welcome to Arbitraria! Pro: What's this? An evil Greeter? Tim: That's right, foolish hero. I snuck into East Weston and gained the power to Transport there. Arghablerg: Indeed. We brought the monsters here in case someone like you interfered before the plan was complete. It seems that wasn't enough, however. Tim: I suggest we destroy them with the power of the Evil Empire! Arghablerg: An excellent suggestion. Now, taste our power! - Boss Battle - Arghablerg: 12000 HP Tim: 7000 HP They aren't that strong, and they have pretty low defense, but you may not be in top condition after the last battle. Cast Curse Shield to protect against Tim's powerful Soul of the Evil Empire attack; go after him first, because he's a lot more dangerous than Arghablerg. When Tim's defeated, Arghablerg will summon an Iguanobot, but it's no stronger than before, so it's just a minor annoyance. However, it'll block attacks directed at him, though he won't repair it. If you defeat Arghablerg first, he'll summon one to protect Tim when he dies; Tim does more damage, though, so go for him first. Not a hard battle on the whole. Arghablerg: Blast! They're stronger than we thought. Tim, take us back. Tim: Indeed, sir. *they vanish* Samuel: That heretic! It is forbidden to Transport in a dungeon! Julie: Why's that? Samuel: It may cause an instability with a risk of collapsing the entire location. *awkward pause* Pro: Okay, RUN! Al: Carrying a giant snake? Are you nuts? Pro: Do you have a better idea? Al: Well, if the place is already going to collapse, can't Samuel take us out? Samuel: But I cannot transport us to West Easton. Al: ...dang, right. Okay, RUN! You have 5 minutes to make it to the end. It's not hard, and you likely won't get into more than a few battles. When you reach the other side... *everyone emerges from a hidden door near the No Smoking sign in another restaurant; rocks then fall down, blocking the entrance* Al: Wow. You weren't kidding about that. Samuel: Indeed. Fortunately, I can take us back to Fort Nonsense. But it would be ill-advised to do that until I have gained the power to Transport here. Otherwise we will not be able to return easily. Al: Well, first we'd better get this snake off our backs. Julie, do you know where this Veterinarian Mechanic is? Julie: Yeah, I'll show you the way. This is my hometown, so I know where everything is... *scene fades, and re-opens at the Veterinarian Mechanic's office* Dr. Jimmy: *walks out* Next! Oh! Hey, Julie! Julie: Hi, Dad. I'm on a quest with these guys, and this giant winged snake with robot arms collapsed and has been either unconscious or mumbling incoherently since. Everyone Else: Dad? Julie: Oh, I forgot to mention that? Sorry. It slipped my mind. Dr. Jimmy: Well, you've come to the right place. It so happens that giant winged snakes with robot arms are my specialty. Pro: ...do I even want to know how you came to specialize in that? Dr. Jimmy: Probably not. Just leave him with me and I'll have him fixed up before you know it. Meanwhile, you should go and see some sights around town! He should be just fine in a cutscene or two. Pro: I guess. Okay, let's go. Samuel: I suggest we find this town's Greeter first. Then we can travel freely between here and Fort Nonsense. Pro: Yeah, I guess. Julie, you know where he is? Julie: That'd be Billy Bob. He's usually out by the front gate of town. Saying "Welcome to West Easton!", of course. Pro: Geez, is our town the *only* place where they don't have someone like that? Samuel: It is definitely strange. You gain control now. Go to the front gate and talk to Billy Bob the Greeter and you'll be able to Transport here. After that, you'll see someone walk in through the gate... Pro: Hey! It's the huge weight guy! Russ: Yeah, it's me. But I ain't here to fight you again. I ain't workin' for the Evil Empire now. Al: Is this a trick? Russ: I'm a mercenary. I do odd jobs. And one of 'em led me here, okay? That's all there is to it. Now, let me get on with it. Pro: ...what kind of job? Russ: I don't have to tell you guys. Now... Hey! What happened to my huge weight? *Von Klutze crawls out from under the weight a few feet away =P* Pro: Oh no! Not him, too! Russ: Dangit! Quit following me! You keep taking my weight! Von Kluzte: I assure you, it's quite unintentional. Russ: Whatever. *picks it up; it immediately falls on Von Klutze again =P* Okay, that's it! Get outta here! Von Klutze: ...Fine. *runs off* Pro: Doesn't he work for the Evil Empire? Russ: I guess so. I haven't really been paying attention. I just tagged along to make sure that Moron paid me. Julie: You know this guy, Pro? Pro: Yeah, he attacked us at the Tower of Page A7. Russ: That was business. Anyways, you kids go and run along now. I got something to do. *Russ walks off past them* Al: ...I think he's up to something. Maybe we should follow him. Samuel: But what about that ninja? He may be plotting something again. And we *did* run into the Evil Empire on the way here... Pro: Hmm. Tough choice. I guess we can start by seeing how the blue snake is doing. Maybe he'll have an idea of what to do. Back at the Veterinarian Mechanic's place... Dr. Jimmy: Well, he's awake, but he's not in top shape yet. Those arms of his still need some repairs, and he's still not strong enough to stand up for long. Well, to the extent he can stand up in the first place. Pro: Well, can we talk to him? Dr. Jimmy: Sure. Oh, hey, Julie, I've been meaning to modify that rocket launcher of yours. Mind if I have some time with it while you and your friends talk with the patient? Julie: Okay, Dad. Just as long as you don't make it explode again. Dr. Jimmy: Don't worry! I fixed that problem this time. *picks up the rocket launcher and walks off* *in the next room...* Ahzgadh: Ah, thank you for the assistance, Pro. I'm not sure the young lady and I were properly introduced, however. Julie: I'm Julie. Captain of the Fort Nonsense Guard. Ahzgadh: Ah, I see. I am Ahzgadh, a former scientist of the Evil Empire. I'm now using what I learned during my time there to stop their plans. Julie: So that's what that red snake was talking about? Ahzgadh: You encountered Arghablergh? Where? Pro: On the secret Greeter path from Fort Nonsense to here. He was working with an evil Greeter. Ahzgadh: What? We must return at once! My cave's security may be compromised! Pro: Well... We ran into that ninja who attacked your first cave here. And also a mercenary who *says* he's not working for the Evil Empire this time, but we can't be sure... Ahzgadh: Urgh. I'm in no state to leave just yet in any event. Besides, I have some matters to discuss with you. Al: Hmm. Maybe we should split up. I'll follow the mercenary. Pro, you stay here and talk with the snake. And you two, try and follow that ninja. Samuel: You're going alone? Might that not be dangerous? Al: Nah. I'll try not to pick a fight with him, I just want to see what he's doing. Julie: Wait, I'll need my rocket launcher back before I can go anywhere. Samuel: Time is of the essence. I will attempt to track him down now, and you can follow once you are prepared. Julie: Sounds good. But we should get ready first. Pro: Hmm. Yeah, and the Empire might attack the town. We should all be ready in case that happens. So let's do what we can now and come back here when we're ready. You can go into town now and do whatever suits you. You can also leave and go back to Fort Nonsense if you like. You can't get the Soul of West Easton yet, however; it seems that Tim blocked the path while he was in town. When you're ready, go back to the Veterinarian Mechanic and talk to Ahzgadh again. Tell Ahzgadh that you're ready, and... Ahzgadh: Very well. I shall explain what I know of your power, Pro. Al: Yeah, I'm sure it's interesting and all, but I have to find that mercenary. Catch you later. Samuel: And I must follow the clumsy ninja's trail. *they leave* Julie: I might as well stick around until my rocket launcher's ready. Ahzgadh: Well, then. Let me begin... There are many mystical artifacts in this world, as you are no doubt aware. These artifacts are all connected to each other, and the Seven-and-a-Half Artifacts have a strong connection to your village, as they are protecting its name from outsiders. Pro: Uh... okay, so what does that all have to do with me? Ahzgadh: I believe that the Seven-and-a-Half Artifacts have chosen you. When you wield one of them, you can unleash astonishing powers. And their connection to other artifacts in this world allows you to use those powers as well. Pro: So, why can't I use that attack from the Oversized Pancake any more? Ahzgadh: Hmm. I am not sure... I believe it may be... Julie: zzzz.... Pro: Uh, I'm thinking she isn't finding this so interesting. Ahzgadh: Too bad. I've been waiting quite a while to have an audience to explain these theories to. I'm not going to stop just because she's fallen asleep. Now, as I was saying, I suspect that your connection to the Seven-and-a-Half Artifacts is especially strong. This means that you can use more of their power. You must have unleashed so much of the Oversized Pancake of the Dragon God's power that it can't be used again until it recharges. We will need to find some method of dealing with this problem... Pro: zzz... Ahzgadh: Oh, come on now! Pro: *wakes up* Sorry! Julie: *wakes up* Huh? *yawn* Is he done explaining it yet? Ahzgadh: All right, that's it! I clearly need to explain everything again, and I'll be giving you a quiz just to make sure you're paying attention! Julie: Nice going, Pro! Now we have to take a quiz on this stuff. Pro: Me? You fell asleep first! Ahzgadh: Oh, be quiet! Besides, we needed an excuse to cut to the other two anyways. - Al's Scenario - *scene shifts to Al, outside a heavily guarded mansion* Al: *looks at a newspaper* "Mercenary Carrying Huge Weight Spotted at Count Completely Trustworthy's Manor". Well, this is the place, I guess. But how am I supposed to get in? Oh, wait. "Eyewitnesses report that the mercenary accessed the manor through a secret passage that opened when he pushed a loose brick on the outer wall." *Al sees a loose brick and pushes it; nothing happens* Al: "No, not that brick, dummy. The one on the east side. Geez, do we have to spell everything out for you?" Somebody at this paper sure has an attitude problem. "Yeah? Well, same to you, buddy!" *scene cuts to a random old man reading the same paper =P* Old Man: Well, dagnabbit, these articles never make no dang sense. It's like they're talkin' to somebody, and it sure as all heck ain't me. "No, not that brick, dummy"? That just don't make no sense. *a giant cauliflower falls on the old man, then the scene goes back to Al, who's opened the secret passage =P* Al: Wow, that was one wacky way for a secret passage to open. I wonder where that giant cauliflower landed, anyways. And I also wonder what this line about "Take that, you crazy old man!" means. Oh well, may as well head inside. There's a Save Bomb right inside the secret passage, which you may want to use. All the enemies here are Rock-type, so Al's Paper-based normal attack is strong against them. And you won't fight more than two at a time, so this place is pretty easy. For now, anyways... About halfway through, you'll come across Russ, who seems lost. Russ: Darn it! This place is a maze. I'm never going to find Count Completely Trustworthy at this rate. Al: And just what are you planning on doing to Count Completely Trustworthy, huh? Russ: *turns around and sees Al* Aw, geez, not you kids again! ...Wait, there's only one of you. Al: So what? I can take you on. Russ: I told you, I'm not here for that! I was hired to find out if Count Completely Trustworthy is secretly working with the Evil Empire. Al: Beats me. I don't usually follow the international news. Hey, maybe my paper will say. "Oh no you don't. We aren't gonna give you all the answers, buddy." ...yeah, real helpful there. Russ: ...what, do you get tomorrow's newspaper today or something? Al: No, I just get a newspaper that for no clear reason, has a direct bearing on events in our quest and even talks to me directly sometimes. Russ: Oh. Well, that makes a lot more sense. I think. Al: ...um, are we going to fight, or what? Russ: Now why would we do that? I'm not being paid to fight you any more. Al: You don't want revenge for the time we beat you or anything? Russ: Nah. Definitely not while I've got another job to do. You'd probably just beat me again, anyways. Al: ...is this some kind of a trick or something? Russ: Nope. I'm not working for the Evil Empire now. But I can't find my way through this place. ...Hey, how's your sense of direction, kid? Al: ...you want me to go with you? Russ: Well, I'm lost. Besides, you're fighting the Evil Empire, right? If Count Completely Trustworthy is working for them, you're gonna want to know. Al: ...I guess. Fine, I'll go with you. But I still don't trust you. Russ: What? You don't trust someone who tried to kill you for money? I don't see why not. Al: Never mind. Let's just go. Russ joins the party, though he won't let you change his equipment. His huge weight is considered a Rock attack, but it's strong, so it still does a good amount of damage to the enemies here. Apparently, Russ is *really* bad at finding his way around, because the rest of the path is extremely straightforward. =P At the end, you'll find a savepoint and a door. Approach it, and... Russ: Okay, this must be the place! Now, let's see... *Russ messes around with something* Russ: There! That should open the door. ...or was that the switch that released the incredibly powerful monster? Al: ...Probably the incredibly powerful monster. *the door opens* Russ: Nope! It must be an optional boss. Al: ...or it's on the other side of the door. Russ: What makes you say that... oh. Hi, incredibly powerful monster! Monster: RRRAAAARRRGH! - Boss Battle - Flubagorsh the Incredibly Powerful: 241635 HP The trick to this battle is that every few rounds, Flubagorsh will pick one of Rock, Paper, and Scissors and change to that type. He'll also take half damage from attacks of that type and no damage from the type it beats; so, when he change to Paper, Al will only do half damage with normal attacks and Russ won't do any. Although he has an insane amount of HP, after you take out 10% of it, he vanishes, saying he has other things to take care of. Al: ...yeah, something tells me we'll be seeing that thing again. Russ: Oh, who cares? We can get through the door now. *they step through* Al: Uh. Looks like it leads into a cage. Must be where they were keeping that thing. *a nobleman walks in* Nobleman: What the?!? What are you doing in my cage? That's supposed to contain the incredibly powerful monster to prevent it from being unleashed upon an unsuspecting world! Russ: ...oops. Sorry about that. Al: ...Did whoever hired you tell you to take this secret passage? Russ: Yeah. Why do you ask? Al: Because, uh, I think they kind of tricked you into doing that. Russ: What? Aw, geez! I knew I should've asked them to pay half up front! Nobleman: Hmmph. Well, I suppose I'd better let you out of there. Even if you are trespassing on my property. *he opens the cage door* Russ: Your property? You mean you're Count Completely Trustworthy? Nobleman: Yes. And I'm absolutely not planning to sell out the town to the Evil Empire. Russ: Oh. Okay. Al: Wait a minute. Why would you even say that when we haven't asked you anything like that? Count Trustworthy: Oh, it's how I always introduce myself. Al: So what's with those "PLANS TO SELL OUT THE TOWN TO THE EVIL EMPIRE" on that table there? Count Trustworthy: Nothing. Nothing at all. And I've never even seen them before. Russ: Well, I'm convinced. I can tell my employer that he's not working with the Evil Empire. Al: Um, first, he probably is, and second, do you mean the same employer who tricked you into unleashing an incredibly powerful monster on an unsuspecting world? Russ: Yeah, that one. Al: *slaps forehead* How did I get stuck with you? Count Trustworthy: Well, if that's all, why don't you trespassers sit down for a spot of tea? Which isn't drugged, by the way. Russ: Okay! Thanks, Count Completely Trustworthy! Al: ...this is so ridiculous. I wonder if Sam's mission makes any more sense. *scene fades* - Valley of Exploding Toasters - *scene opens with Samuel looking over the place* Samuel: ...Well, according to Billy Bob, he headed this way... What a strange place. I'm sure Al's mission makes more sense than this. *sound of an explosion* Von Klutze's Voice: Argh! Not another one! Why did we have to hide our camp in this stupid valley? Samuel: A camp? They must be preparing to invade! I should locate it and inform the others. Follow the path for a while; try not to get near the toasters, or they'll explode and you'll lose HP. Similarly, be careful of the Exploding Toasters in random battles here; defeat them with magic, as if you use a physical attack, they'll explode in your face. Other than that, there isn't too much to say. Shortly after the Save Bomb, you'll see Von Klutze stuck under a pile of toasters. Approach him, and... Von Kluzte: Drat! I've been followed! I'll just have to get out from under here, very carefully... *the toasters all explode at once =P* Samuel: My. That looked quite painful. Von Klutze: Ow! But I'll still be able to beat a pathetic Greeter like you. - Boss Battle - Von Klutze: 4500 HP First, cast Soul of Fort Nonsense, as his attacks do quite a bit of damage without it. You could use Soul of Arbitraria to whittle him down, but you can save MP by defending and healing until an Exploding Toaster walks into the battle. Cast a spell on it, and it'll explode, doing 1000 damage to Von Klutze and stunning him for a turn. If you use Soul of Arbitraria at that point, it does a *lot* more damage. Two of those will come close to wiping him out. Von Klutze: ...I've been beaten by a Greeter. Great. I'm getting out of here before anybody else sees this. Hmmph, when it's my turn with the secret weapon, you're first. *Von Klutze runs off and trips over another exploding toaster, then continues to run with similar results =P* Samuel: Hmm. Perhaps I should just wait for Julie here instead... That "secret weapon" could be at the camp, and it would definitely be preferable to have a rocket launcher around if it is. *scene shifts back to Pro, Julie and Ahzgadh* Ahzgadh: Good! You've finally passed that quiz. Now, was that so hard? Pro: Yes. Ahzgadh: Well, then you'd better pay attention this time, or you'll get another one! Now, the next matter to discuss is the Gem of Absurd Power. Pro: What about it? Ahzgadh: Well, you seem to have gained protection from curse magic by touching it. That's why the spell I used before didn't affect you. But you no longer have the gem. Pro: So, what does that mean? Ahzgadh: It means you've got some of the power of the Gem within you. This could prevent the Evil Empire from using it properly, but I wouldn't count on that. Julie: So, is there anything else? Ahzgadh: Hmm. Actually, there isn't. I suppose we kept everybody in suspense about the next part of this conversation for very little reason, in the end. Pro: Big deal. We *are* just making this up as we go along. They shouldn't be expecting Shakespeare here, you know. *a bust of Shakespeare falls on Pro suddenly =P* Pro: ...although apparently, I should have. Ow. *Dr. Jimmy walks in, carrying the rocket launcher* Dr. Jimmy: Okay, Julie! It's ready! Want to try it out? Julie: Sure. So, how's this modification of yours supposed to work? Dr. Jimmy: It's simple. I've modified it so that it can accept a wide variety of ammunition. All you need to do is find something that looks good, and load it in! Try it out. Julie: Well, okay... *picks up the Shakespeare bust and puts it in the rocket launcher* *Julie fires the bust out of the rocket launcher, hitting a conveniently-placed bullseye =P* *Learned Bard Blaster!* Julie: Nice. Thanks, Dad! Dr. Jimmy: And now, why don't I have a look at my patient? Pro: Okay. I'll wait outside. Julie: I'll go meet up with Sam. Later. Ahzgadh: Good luck, both of you. *scene shifts back to Count Trustworthy's mansion* Count Trustworthy: So, how's that tea that isn't drugged? Russ: It's good! I don't know why Al didn't want any. Al: ...this is just getting more ridiculous by the minute. Count Trustworthy: Well, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend to that isn't meeting with anyone from the Evil Empire. Russ: Okay! See you later! *the Count walks out* Wow, he sure is a nice guy. Al: ...uh, he's extremely suspicious. Russ: What are you talking about? He says he's not planning to sell out the town to the Evil Empire, the tea isn't drugged, and he's doing something that isn't meeting with anyone from the Evil Empire. That all seems perfectly normal to me. Al: Are you really this thick, or are you trying to lure me into a trap? Russ: You just need to learn to trust people. *scene shifts to the front door* Count Trustworthy: Why, General Failure! I wasn't expecting you at all. By the way, I'm not planning to sell out the town to the Evil Empire. General Failure: ...I think you carry this act too far sometimes. Count Trustworthy: Act? What act? General Failure: *sigh* Never mind. We're preparing the assault on the town tonight. Where are the plans? Count Trustworthy: If you mean the plans I didn't make to sell out the town to the Evil Empire, I'm going to go and not look for them right now. General Failure: ...honestly, dealing with him is such a nuisance. *scene shifts back to the dining room* Russ: ...Okay, I think I'm starting to get it. He's suspicious because he's always denying this stuff before anyone even suggests it? Al: Yes! That's it exactly! Count Trustworthy: Who are we talking about? Al: Give it up, Count. You're not fooling me. Count Trustworthy: What, about the Evil Empire? Oh, you don't understand. I'm not working for the Evil Empire at all. But I deny it so much they *think* I am, and they reveal a lot of their plans to me. Al: ...that's such a ridiculous explanation that I can't help but believe it. Russ: ...I have no idea what to tell my employer now. Al: I told you, your employer tricked you. Count Trustworthy: Never mind that! General Failure has come here. And he's said that the Evil Empire plans to attack tonight. I need you to stop him. Russ: What's the pay? I don't work for free, you know. Count Trustworthy: *tosses him a bag of gold* There. And you'll get another when they've been chased out. Al: Hey, do I get a bag of gold, too? Count Trustworthy: Oh, no. You're clearly a hero. You save towns for free. Al: ...Yeah, that figures. Oh well, just thought I'd ask. Count Trustworthy: Those plans you saw earlier are fakes. They should lure the Evil Empire into poor tactical positions, but we'll still need all the help we can get. Al: So, what about that incredibly powerful monster we accidentally released? Count Trustworthy: Oh, you don't have to worry about that until the plot's ready for it. Al: ...yeah. Fine, whatever. I guess we'd better go and find Pro and tell him... but wait a minute! We can't let General Failure see us! Or me, anyways. The Evil Empire is after Pro and me! Count Trustworthy: Ah. Well, there's an emergency escape device in the attic, but it's haunted... Al: ...Eh. I'll go there anyways. Russ: I'm sticking with you. I don't think I can find the way out of this place on my own. Besides, that guy in the rusty armor was pretty mad at me the last time I saw him. Count Trustworthy: Right. I'll give him the fake plans, and you two escape. You'll automatically go to the attic; there's a Save Bomb at the entrance. It's not a very long dungeon, though you have to fight a bunch of ghosts. About three rooms in, you'll find a catapult and a conveniently-placed hole in the roof. Al: ...I guess this is our exit. Russ: Well, let's get going! Al: ...I don't think that thing's going to support your weight. Russ: Are you calling me fat? Al: Well, I meant the metal one, but now that you mention it... Russ: Never mind. You get in first. *the catapult starts moving* Al: Well, this is just great. It's possessed. Russ: So, uh, what do we do? Al: I guess we fight it. - Boss Battle - Catageist: 8000 HP This starts as a straightforward battle. Just attack until its HP is depleted. However, when this happens, it launches Russ out of the battle (and through the hole in the ceiling =P). Then it regains all its HP, and you have to fight it with just Al. It also gets fiercer with its attacks. Still, you should be able to outlast it. Fire attacks work well. Deplete its HP again, and it launches Al out of the fight, too. =P After the battle, the scene cuts to Samuel in the Valley of Exploding Toasters... Samuel: Julie! Good, you're here. It seems that the Evil Empire has a hidden camp here, and a secret weapon. Julie: Huh. Guess we'd better get after them. Make your way through the rest of the Valley; it's not too hard. There's a wall of toasters blocking the path at one point; use Julie's rocket launcher to destroy it, or else you'll be dropped to 1 HP if you touch it. The enemy camp is just past there. *Samuel and Julie walk up to a sign saying, "Welcome to Camp Evil Empire Army!"* *the camera pans around, revealing a summer camp with Von Klutze, Commander Moron, and Larry as counselors =P* Larry: Saakra! Tahsgsa naster sahdkad! Kid: Uh... what did he say? Commander Moron: I dunno. But go and do it! Von Klutze: He'd better be telling them to get this canoe off of me! Commander Moron: Are you kidding? We can't let the kids touch that thing! It's on fire! Von Klutze: ...how very observant of you. Just put out the fire first! Commander Moron: Oh, come on! Then how are we gonna make s'mores? Von Klutze: ...Use Larry's head. Commander Moron: And have them smell like hair spray? No thanks. Von Klutze: I hate this job. *scene cuts back to Samuel and Julie* Samuel: ...To be honest, this isn't quite what I was expecting. Julie: Well, we should look around anyhow. That secret weapon is probably around here somewhere. Samuel: But how will we know where to look? *the scene cuts back to the kids Commander Moron: Okay, kids! Who wants to earn a badge for Operating Evil Secret Weapons? *a bunch of kids raise their hands =P* Commander Moron: Okay! Let's go over to the clearly marked Secret Weapon Cabin and try it out! And then we'll go to West Easton so you can earn your badges for Conquering Towns in the Name of the Evil Empire! Larry: Karfosh! Nisdjsa jdak! Von Klutze: ...Why do you both outrank me? Commander Moron: Says the guy stuck under the burning canoe. Von Klutze: ... *everyone walks off, leaving Von Klutze under the canoe =P* Von Klutze: Hmmph. Well, if that's how they're going to be, I'm not going to tell them that the secret weapon cabin is in the other direction. *scene cuts back to Samuel and Julie* Samuel: Hmm. This is our best chance. We can try to get to the secret weapon and destroy it before they realize their mistake. Julie: We don't know how well it's guarded, though. Then again, with these guys running things around here, probably not that well. Make your way through the camp. You can talk to Von Klutze, but he'll still be stuck under the canoe and nobody will hear him call out a warning. =P There are random encounters with Lions, Tigers, Bears, Giant Centipedes, and Sharks as you go through the camp. Man, must be a fun place to spend the day. =P Anyways, just make your way to the Secret Weapon cabin and go inside. *the camera pans around, revealing a huge sheet covering something* Samuel: That must be the secret weapon. Julie: Hey, we can probably destroy it without them even noticing. Just take the sheet off, break a few key parts, and put the sheet back over it. Samuel: An excellent idea. Allow me... *steps over to the sheet and touches it* Julie: Well? Samuel: ...This is odd. I can't seem to move it. Mysterious Voice: Well, yes. It's a *secret* weapon, and I'd prefer to have it stay that way. *Samuel and Julie turn around, seeing Mr. E. behind them* Mr. E: Hello. I am Mr. E. And you are about to have the good fortune of being the first test subjects for my secret weapon. Samuel: What can it even *do* under that sheet? Mr. E: That's a secret. You won't even find out after it happens. Julie: Gee, you don't give much away, do you? Mr. E: That's my job. Now, let's test this out, shall we? - Boss Battle - Secret Weapon: 217000 HP Mr. E: 5500 HP ...yeah. The Secret Weapon has a *lot* of HP. That's why Mr. E. is your main target. The Secret Weapon will do nothing most turns, but Mr. E. will use Unknown Attack, Unknown Spell, and worst of all Unknown Status Ailment. This gives one team member a status ailment, either Poison, Darkness, or Silence, but you won't be able to tell what it is right away. If it's Poison, you'll take damage after the next action; if it's Darkness, your attacks will miss; if it's Silence, you'll still be able to select spells, but they won't work when you actually try to cast them. As for the Secret Weapon, it does a countdown on most turns, but it starts counting from "?", so that doesn't help you much. When the countdown reaches 0, it either uses "Secret Weapon Attack", which hits one character for a lot of damage, or "Secret Weapon Attack", which hits both of you for modest damage. Yeah, this can be a pretty confusing battle. =P The basic strategy is to focus on Mr. E. Once his HP is lowered to 0, he'll jump on top of the secret weapon and start a countdown from "??". When this countdown ends, he'll use Secret Weapon Ultimate Attack, which does 99999 damage to both of you, so you need to stop the weapon from using it. Mr. E. will be casting Unknown Spell on you from up there, however, so you're not safe. To stop the Secret Weapon Ultimate Attack, you need to hit it for 5000 damage before it finishes counting down. You'll always have at least 10 turns, so this isn't *so* bad. Soul of Arbitraria is particularly effective, as is Bard Blaster. Once this happens, the Secret Weapon will jam and hit itself for 99999 damage. Mr. E. will be knocked off and stunned for a few turns; you can either go after him, or hit the Secret Weapon, which has much lower defense at this point. Once Mr. E. recovers, the pattern continues. After jamming the Secret Weapon twice, it'll be low on HP, especially if you pounded on it during the recovery phase, so you might as well start going after it instead of Mr. E. Once the Secret Weapon runs out of HP... it disappears in a puff of smoke, and so does Mr. E. Samuel: That was strange. But... I *believe* we won. I think. Julie: Is there anybody with the Evil Empire who *isn't* weird? Samuel: I suspect not. Let us return to town. We should warn them about the attack. Now the scene shifts back to Pro in Dr. Jimmy's waiting room. Ahzgadh slithers out of the room, followed by Dr. Jimmy. Dr. Jimmy: Good news! Our friend Ahzgadh here is the portrait of perfect health for a giant winged snake with robot arms of his age. Ahzgadh: Yes. Thank you, doctor. Pro, once the others return, if you have no other pressing business, I'd like to return to my cave near Fort Nonsense. I left some important materials there, and we will likely need the teleport console. Pro: Okay. We'll see what they have to report, though. *Russ falls through the roof, followed by Al a moment later.* *Samuel and Julie walk in* Pro: Uh... What's going on? Why's the mercenary here? Al: Count Trustworthy hired him to help us stop the Empire's attack on the town. They think he's working with them because he keeps denying that he is all the time, but he's just using it to get information on their plans. That's what he says, anyhow. Julie: Do we get paid, too? Al: No. Apparently, heroes don't get paid for this sort of thing. Samuel: Julie and I destroyed their secret weapon. We think. It, er, was covered by a sheet and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Ahzgadh: That sounds like Mr. E's work. It probably means he's taken it elsewhere for repairs, but we shouldn't have to worry about it tonight. Al: Uh... also, we accidentally released an incredibly powerful monster that Count Trustworthy had locked up in his mansion. Ahzgadh: That would be Flubaglorsh. He gained incredible power at a price - losing the ability to open doors. Pro: Doesn't sound like much of a tradeoff. He could just smash through them, couldn't he? And if he can't even do that, he could smash through walls. Ahzgadh: Well, he's not bright enough to realize that. Pro: Oh. Yeah, I guess that isn't so bad. *Count Trustworthy walks in* Count Trustworthy: All right, General Failure is convinced that I'm going to have the guard stand down at the east gate. Of course, I'll be strengthening the guard there instead. Mr. Iwillkillyouhorribly, I want you to assist them there. Russ: 'Kay. Hey, kid, you want to come along? Al: Fine. I've got to keep an eye on you, after all. Samuel: Wait. They have a Greeter working with them. He could transport troops into town. We should have a team at the transport point waiting for them, just in case. Julie: Good thinking. I'll help you out with that. Pro: So what's left? Count Trustworthy: The other main point they could attack from is the south entrance to town. The bulk of the guard will be at the east gate, but our best troops will be handling the south entrance in case they catch on to what I'm doing. Pro: Okay, I'll help out there. Ahzgadh: I shall assist you. We may be able to test some hypotheses I have about your powers. Pro: Uh... Okay, I guess. Count Trustworthy: Good. Then the plan is set. Take some time to prepare yourselves, then come to me when you're ready to begin. Russ and Ahzgadh join up now. You can now switch active party members on the menu. Go into town and get them some skills if you want. When you're ready, talk to Count Trustworthy again. - Assault on West Easton - When you tell Count Trustworthy that you're ready, he'll tell everyone to get into position. The scene fades, and shifts to a modified version of the world map. This is the map for an army battle, which will begin soon. But first, we have the dialogue from both sides. General Failure: You're in charge of this assault, Moron. Count Trustworthy handed me these plans showing where the troops will be placed. As you can see, the east gate will be barely guarded. Von Klutze: ...General, you *do* realize this could be a trap to lure us into making a foolish tactical decision that they're prepared for, don't you? General Failure: Ridiculous! For that insubordination, you get to command the forces attacking the heavily-guarded south gate! Commander Moron: Ha ha! Good luck with that, Hans! Von Klutze: ...I hate this job. General Failure: If something actually goes wrong somehow, which is incredibly unlikely with *my* brilliant tactical skills, Tim will teleport into their midst with reinforcements. Tim: Of course, General. I'll welcome them to the Evil Empire! General Failure: Heheheh, let's see what Lord Pompous thinks once I've taken West Easton! Or East Weston. I can never remember which it is. Von Klutze: ... General Failure: And, besides which, we can't possibly lose! After all, we've got the secret weapon! Von Klutze: No we don't. Mr. E took it in for repairs. Two heroes came into our secret camp and seriously damaged it. General Failure: ...Damn it! Well, then you'd better not screw up! Anyways, I have other invasions to command, so get out there and take that city! *General Failure leaves* Pro: It looks like they're almost ready to attack! Ahzgadh: That ninja seems to be commanding the units headed our way. I don't know much about him; they must have recruited him after I left. Pro: No big deal. He'll just trip on stuff, most likely. Al: Looks like Commander Moron's headed this way. He shouldn't be a big problem. Russ: Good! He tried to shortchange me on that last job, I can get back at him for it! Al: ...But you didn't actually beat us. Not that I *mind* that, but... Russ: It's a mercenary thing. Samuel: The transport point is secured! If they believe they can surprise us with that move, they are quite mistaken! The army battle starts. On the east side, you have Al's unit, Russ' unit, and six East Weston Soldiers. On the south, you have Pro's unit, Ahzgadh's unit, and four West Easton Elites. (Yeah, apparently even the townspeople can't keep the name straight.) In the town itself, you have Samuel's unit, Julie's unit, and three East Weston Soldiers. Opposing these, the Evil Empire has Commander Moron and fifteen units on the east side... but twelve of those units are just Cell Phone Soldiers/Elite, so you can ignore them. =P The others are Elie's unit, a Broccoli Soldier, and a Broccoli Elite. On the south, Von Klutze's unit is the leader. He's accompanied by six Generic Ninja units and an Iguanobot. Tim's unit won't do anything for a few turns. At that point, he teleports himself into the town along with five Potato Knight units. Leave Samuel's units where they are until Tim transports in and focus on the south. The overwhelming numbers of Cell Phone Soldiers on the east side make it easy to handle. You can use Russ' Huge Weight move to hit several units at once to make it even easier, but I suggest saving it for Moron or Elie when they get close, as their HP is higher. As for the south, the Generic Ninjas can be easily taken care of by the West Easton Elites. The Iguanobot and Von Klutze are another matter. Use Ahzgadh's "Robot Summon" ability to call a Rockbot unit; it should be able to stand up to the Iguanobot fairly easily. Pro and Ahzgadh should be strong enough to take on Von Klutze, and because of his tendency to trip, he'll take several turns to get near you anyways. After about five turns, Tim will teleport in. He'll lose his own turn doing this, but the Potato Knights won't. However, if you stayed in your starting positions, they can't reach you on this turn. Use Samuel's Soul of Arbitraria move to hit several Potato Knights at once, and go after Tim as well if you get the chance. Have Julie use her rocket launcher or Bard Blaster to attack Tim from a distance. Try to spread out the generic soldiers, because Tim will probably use Soul of the Evil Empire on his next move. Samuel and Julie can take this, but the generic soldiers can't. Once you defeat the lead unit (Moron, Von Klutze, Tim) in any of the groups, any other units in that group will retreat. Bear this in mind if you're having trouble. Once all three groups are defeated, you'll go to the victory screen and be awarded with money and items based on how fast you won, how many of your units survived, and how many enemy units you defeated. But it's not over yet... Commander Moron: Damn it! Our assault failed? *Jenkins arrives* Jenkins: So. It would appear that Count Trustworthy was as good as his word. He wasn't working with us at all. Commander Moron: Jenkins! What the hell are you doing here? Jenkins: Oh, I'm merely making a note of the amount of resources wasted on this failed assault of yours. And, bringing someone in who can finish the job. Commander Moron: What? Hey, no fair! Jenkins: I'll decide what's fair around here, Commander. Now, Anne, why don't you show our friends in West Easton... or is it East Weston? Well, in any event, show them what you did in Harmlessburg. Anne: Hey! Pro's here! Yes! I can smash him! MWAHAHAHAHA! Jenkins: Excellent. I'm sure you'll be able to handle this flawlessly. *back in town, everyone gathers at the south gate* Dr. Jimmy: Looks like we beat most of them back, Count. But someone's still coming! Pro: Wait... That mysterious silhouette in the distance looks familiar... Ahzgadh: We should probably prepare ourselves, everyone. Who will take part in this battle? You get a chance to change party members and equipment now. If you didn't get any skills for Ahzgadh or Russ, you may as well just go with Pro, Al, Samuel, and Julie. You're used to them, anyways. Once you're finished setting up, one of Count Trustworthy's servants will drop a Save Bomb near you. Use it, then head towards the gate. Pro: What the... Anne?!? Anne: Hello, Pro! *evil cackle* I was just planning to smash this town to rubble, but if you're here, that's even better! Al: Damn, man. Your sister is freaky. Pro: Yeah, I know. Julie: Wait... she's your sister? Anne: Enough! I'm sick of your babbling! Now, you die! HAHAHAHAHA! - Boss Battle - Anne Tagonist: 9000 HP Anne's HP is fairly low compared to some of the bosses you've fought so far, but she'll do so much damage with Set on Fire that you aren't going to complain. The difficulty of this fight will vary based on how you did in the Epilogue. The possible prizes from that are as follows: -Useless Item: No effect. -Flame Charm: Set on Fire's damage will be boosted. -HP Boost: 20% HP boost (so she has 10800 HP in this case) -Imperial Shield: Randomly blocks physical attacks. -Null Shield: Randomly blocks magic attacks. -Twin Ring: Physical attack hits twice. You'll get whatever accessory it is after the battle. The Twin Ring in particular is quite useful, but she'll hit pretty hard if that's what she has. Naturally, the Useless Item will give the easiest battle, but it won't help you at all. You'll be able to get all of these eventually, just for the record. Anyways, whatever accessory she has, the fight's basically the same. She'll mainly use Set on Fire and a strong physical attack. Soul of Fort Nonsense is useful here, as usual. Once she gets down to 6000 HP (whether or not she has the HP Boost on), she gets more agressive and starts using "I Hate You, Pro!" and attacks him for a ridiculous amount of damage. You'll probably need to revive him after this happens, that or have him defend every turn and heal with somebody else. Once she gets down to 3000 HP, she'll stop doing that and use a slash attack that hits your entire party. This is also pretty strong, so heal up afterwards. There isn't much else to say about this battle; make use of whatever attacks you've got, and stay healthy. Once you deplete all of her HP, she'll use "ARRGH I CAN'T ADMIT DEFEAT TAKE THIS!", knocking everyone in your team to 1 HP. (No, you can't simply lose here, you have to get her HP down. =P) After this, you'll get her accessory. Now, cutscene! Pro: Hey! No fair! We were winning! Anne: The Evil Empire doesn't play fair! We're evil! *cackles* Pro: I can't believe even *you* would stoop so low as to join the Evil Empire, Anne! I mean, I know you hate me and all, but do you have to drag entire towns into it? Anne: Yes! *cackles some more* Ahzgadh: (Blast! I know something about this girl seems familiar, but I can't recall what it is! Was she part of some Evil Empire project? If she was, how could she have been raised alongside Pro?) Anne: Hey! Giant blue snake! What's with that thoughtful expression on your face? Are you thinking something unauthorized? Ahzgadh: ...Not at all. Anne: I'm in no condition to continue this fight, but then, neither are you. So, I suppose I'll just be leaving now... Russ: Ack! Dammit, I'd better get paid extra for this! Anne: Hmm? Oh, yes. You're that mercenary. The Evil Empire is not pleased with you for simply running off like that. I don't especially care about that, since I'm only after Pro, but I may as well bring you back with me. Then at least I won't return emptyhanded. *Anne walks over to Russ, picks him up (huge weight included) and walks out* Pro: Um... So... Did we win? Count Trustworthy: For now. Ooh, I just hope that mercenary doesn't charge interest for late payments... I really should have cleared that up sooner. Al: ...yeah. *several days later...* *Ahzgadh can be seen working on a giant mechanical tower with a cannon on it. He finishes up.* Ahzgadh: There. The new security towers Dr. Jimmy and I installed should be enough to hold off another Evil Empire assault for some time. Pro: But what if they get their secret weapon working? Julie: Well, we can't worry too much about that right now. We need to gather the next artifact. Ahzgadh: Indeed. I was researching the locations of artifacts in my cave back near Fort Nonsense, but I fear its security may be compromised. We should return there first. Samuel: That should be simple enough. I can Transport us to Fort Nonsense, after all. Ahzgadh: Good. We shall leave whenever you are ready, Pro. After that, you gain control. Russ is no longer with you, but Ahzgadh is. You'll be required to use him in the next area, so it's a good idea to get him some skills. Also, you can get the Soul of East Weston/West Easton now. Do that if you want, or just Transport to Fort Nonsense and go back to Ahzgadh's cave.